I have been saying, “I need a break,” for weeks now. I needed a break from the day to day, from school, from the busy life I lead. I needed a break from the expectations that I have given to others of me and I needed a break from me.
I spend so much time alone I have self diagnosed myself with everything imaginable. The truth is I am constantly surrounded by other people but I am also mentally checked out at every opportunity thinking about the 2,001 things I have to do. I worry about everything, I think about everything just as much so it is no wonder why there is no escaping me. I am constantly on alert ready to attack anything thrown my way but sometimes I would love to be just ignorant to. . .well. . .everything.
I haven’t slept well for months and physically I have been a little less active than usual. Everywhere I go I see faces, hear conversations and I react and act to them. . .if not externally, definitely internally. I claim to not judge but I also have been guilty of the oh so dramatic eye roll when I hear a conversation that I have judged to be stupid. I am guilty of laughing at good gossip or engaging, I am guilty of letting my mind run free when it needs to focus. I love love love people watching, I cannot express how much I enjoy connecting with others but it is exhausting. I have no on/off switch because I don’t like to be rude and just like Dale Carnegie suggested and believed, taking a sincere interest in others is very important. I cannot agree more, but, and I say this with complete trepidation, that too can be exhausting.
The voices (self-assertions) in my head are seemingly on a treadmill of emotion, adrenaline and ambition but they never shut the hell up. This afternoon I found something that I have not had in a very long time. . .silence.
Today I decided to throw out the books and have a me day. I went to the spa to get pampered, certainly that is relaxing on it’s own but the most soothing of the whole day was my complete abandon of worry and wonder. Midway through my manicure I realized I was staring off into space. There were no thoughts of school or deadlines. . .no worry about my book and when it will be published. . . no self-depreciating thoughts about my weight. . .there was nothing but complete peace and tranquility. The ladies working around me were speaking a different language, I had no clue what they were saying. I couldn’t laugh at a joke they may have said because I didn’t speak the language, I couldn’t take not of something interesting they said-for a book idea, I couldn’t judge them. . .which would then stir up a whole series of thoughts that would cloud my ADD brain. I couldn’t do anything but sit there and enjoy the clarity that silence was giving my brain.
I found that sometimes we cloud our own judgment and worry ourselves with things that will never happen. We wonder and absolutely must know why things work the way they work. We worry about why people do the things they do. . .we make everything about something and maybe something is about nothing.
Today was about me, because. . .I don’t know. . .and that’s okay.