I don’t know

It’s been a long time since I was completely honest with myself. . .I feel as though I’ve been caught up in an ellipsis in time. I can’t tell you where and when things turned off but they did. I spend hours on end just lying in bed staring at the darkness assuming there’s a ceiling above, left completely untapped. I have every excuse in the book to get out of the obligation that is self care. All of these excuses sound good to those that can’t look past the lie in my eyes when I say I’m fine. . .but am I?

I. Am. Well. . .but hardly myself. Lately I’ve just been a fragment of the person that I aspire to be. It’s not even about appearance, yes the outsides could use a lot of work but it’s my interior design that is currently flawed. I’m not in crisis, I’m just terribly terribly aware of everything that is going on and I don’t even know how to begin prioritizing my life. For lack of a better explanation, I’m lost. There are so many things I want out of life and I guess that I put them on hold because I always needed to put my son first. That aspect has never changed but the prospect of being able to focus on myself for myself has never been closer. He is so close to being done with school and so many opportunities are opening up for him. So I’m here feeling every emotion known to man and mentally preparing myself for these near future days where I have to take a step back and let him be on his own, which in turn means. . .I will be on my own. The idea alone is frightening and exciting all at once. I know of no other life than motherhood.

All of these feelings are just coming to a bend and lately I’m feeling like I don’t have someone to bounce them against. I find myself with little options for discourse. I don’t need a romantic partner but it appears as though the people in my closest proximity aren’t the people I want to speak to. I’m sure they’d be willing but I often find myself frustrated because some of these people lack the depth and emotional capacity that I crave. I get so tired of the blanket statements that I end up back where I am today, looking at the fucking ceiling, yet again.


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