It’s been over 24 hours since I last kissed his lips and I feel lost. I felt important in his gaze, I felt safe and for the first time in my entire life I saw what love looked like when he was staring back at me. Sitting side by side wasn’t enough, I couldn’t be within arms reach without touching him. It was a constant reassurance that yes indeed he is here. Resting my head on his chest, interlocking my fingers with his, it was perfect. I could spend hours looking at him as a smile fluttered across his face every time he caught me staring. I already long for another moment where I was sitting across the table shy because everything about him captivated me. . .the shape and color of his eyes, his eye lashes, the look on his face when he would try to figure out what was on my mind. I miss it all. Some of my favorite moments were those seconds after a kiss when we caught our breath and rested our foreheads against the other. Kissing him was more than what I could have ever imagined, I can’t wait to experience those kisses again.
I try to operate in the positives and be thankful for what I have but today is proving to be profoundly difficult. We are worlds apart again after having had the most amazing week together. He makes me happy, in ways I never knew I needed. But I sit here hours away from the last hug and I feel like my heart is being pulled in a million directions. I left my heart in California and I don’t know when I’ll have it back. I’m sad because time wasn’t kind and the distance is brutal. It seems unfair.
For the first time in my life I gave way to my happiness and allowed it to be front and center. I knew there would be pain involved after the fact because longing for someone that holds every piece of you, having them and then having to walk away from them doesn’t make sense. His arms pulled together all of my imperfections and insecurities and cradled me into feeling perfect. Never was I too much or not enough. I guess it makes sense to hurt like you’ve never hurt before when you feel things you’ve never felt before and you love more than you’ve ever loved. I am morose sitting back in my reality in Florida. I am sure as the days go by things may begin to feel a little bearable, hope will reappear and I’ll be ready to be optimistic and thankful again. But right now, in this moment. . .my heart feels shattered. I miss his face, I miss his voice and the way his embrace made me feel at ease.
I love him with every part of me.
Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants