Thirty five is less than a day away. I’m not one to set birthday resolutions but I do hope that 35 finishes what 34 started. Thirty four has been an eventful year, full of changes, frustrations, excitement and unexpected turn of events. 34 has been similar to every year yet the one difference is him. I was completely blindsided by love. I didn’t plan to fall in love. I merely intended on finishing the year, working, raising a kid and eventually making my way back to some intrinsic educational goal. Nothing could have ever prepared me to feel what I feel every time I think of him and when he is around.
I met him a little over 4 months ago. The man that I know I’ll love forever, in every circumstance in life and despite any distance. I wish that I could remember the exact moment I knew he was my everything. . .my forever. While I cant pinpoint the precise moment, I know that it happened almost instantaneously. I still have my moments where it doesn’t seem real because the attraction and love is so perfect. To love is incredible, to be loved is divine. I’ve never been loved this way before, it feels like my heart has this never ending smile. I don’t have to acknowledge the times I’ve been loved improperly in my past to give this validity. If I had met him first, before all of the mistakes of my past, he would still be the one I will love forever, and the last man I’ll ever love. God knows I wish I had met him first.
We have the type of love that you want to tell the world you have, while at the same time, you wish to keep it to yourself and protect it. You don’t want it to be scrutinized and picked apart by those that would never understand it. There is no explaining once in a lifetime. This feels like what I can only imagine it feels like to be a star. Bursting at the seems with light and love and although at times it feels so powerful it can become unbearable, you crave and desire more of that power and love. It sounds super cheesy but that is what I can compare it to the most. It’s unbearable because of the distance. There are times when I feel like we are an impossible distance away. Patience is limited and I feel like a child about to throw a tantrum. Even when he is sleeping I miss him, I struggle even with the time difference.
So much has been surrounding timing lately. I feel like I’m extremely aware of this count down and how timing affects us all in many ways. Timing hasn’t been a huge indicator for me, because as long as I can remember free will runs ramped for me. I have always and will always believe that we choose the things we want in life and in the same regard, we attract them. I don’t believe anything is by coincidence. I do believe that there is a such thing as a missed opportunity, such as when fate has placed something or someone at your feet and you don’t use your free will to see them and better yet choose them. Such is not the case here. I choose him everyday, all day at multiple times a day. When it gets rough, when I’m about to pout again about how long I have to wait to see him, I choose happiness over convenience. I would do anything to have him close but the fact that he exists and we love in this way is a constant reminder that the distance is only temporary compared to that of never having met him. Patience, although it may appear to be in short supply, is in high demand and much needed. I need him in ways I cannot express.
What we have is something Incredible. I don’t proceed with caution, although at times I still ask if it’s okay to ask a question, it’s not an indicative of how I feel with him. It just feels so different to speak so freely, with understanding. Loving him is like looking into a kaleidoscope, there are so many pieces that have yet to come together but every time I look through the picture is beautiful.
Thank you 34, for being so good to me.
Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.