I think I was in 5th grade when my brother came home with a middle school literature book. I skimmed through the pages and bumped into Harlem, A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughs. It’s a short and simple haiku but the words ring true today. What does truly happen to a dream deferred?
This morning I called and asked for a late checkout anticipating that there may be a possibility I could get one more hug in until the next time. But as the morning went on and I sat in my thoughts alone, I got the best of me. When you say goodbye to the person that means everything to you, how do you recover?
The longer I stayed in the room the harder it got. I could feel my heart racing and I needed to get out of there. I packed as fast as I could and cleared my face to walk out. But just as I thought I was ready, I stood there and looked in the room as I tried to escape my own tears. I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible because I felt suffocated knowing I was no longer going to have him. At the same time I wanted to roll in the bed where our love laid one last time.
I feel like throwing up. My entire insides are raw. I don’t know how to feel. I think that my best trait is going to be my undoing. I’m an eternal hopeful optimistic person. I never give up. So walking away makes no sense to my heart. Five months of being up in the clouds, inseparable, well somewhat by the distance but we had each other, even in small doses.
I’m all out of words. I thought things would be different. I don’t know what to do with myself.
Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.