The past week has been trying to say the least. So much unknown and unexpected turn of events. It made me feel like I lack complete control of things that are happening in my life. I know that the person I am before I become the person on the other side of this will be much different. I understand that we as people tend to make things worse than what they are, or we brace for the worst impact when the blow doesn’t require that much. However, this blow was almost detrimental. I have this empty barrel feeling. My heart has taken a beating and I haven’t been able to take a deep breath for days. I am usually a lot stronger than this but as much as I say I know what I was getting myself into, it is never possible to prepare for something you have never experienced in your life.
I am usually an open person because I have no shame in the things I do. I don’t have hair on my tongue. . .but it was reckless of me to operate in the same fashion knowing that the public knowledge of some of my actions could cause a domino effect in the life of someone incredibly special to me. I want things to be back to normal, our normal, but this week was not only catastrophic, it was eye opening. I see people differently, I feel differently. I am having a difficult time getting back to normal.
I feel like the Allegory of the Cave. In Plato’s symposium, there was a conversation of the Allegory and it is one of those stories that cements that perception somehow becomes our reality. So, the extent of the cave is this. There were a group of prisoners chained facing a wall, they had no exposure to the outside world, the only world they knew of were these figures that were behind them that cast a shadow every time the sun shined. These prisoners remained chained to the walls out of fear of their own perception. The world they knew was the wall, chains, and shadows. At one moment a prisoner escaped and the remaining prisoners saw the shadow of the prisoner jumping at the reaction of the sun. Having never experienced the sun, the escaped prisoner was overcome by joy. He saw people just like him outside of the cave, living happily and looking at the very sun he once thought was the cause of his plight as a prisoner. When he went back to the cave to see the other prisoners and tell him of what he had discovered they ridiculed him, out of fear. Their perception was that the outside work was dangerous, and this monotony of the cave was the safe place to be.
Many people outside myself remind me of this allegory, not fully knowing what goes on outside the cave. Making assumptions and at times taking matters into their own hands because they wish to keep you in the cave with them. How did their perception become reality. I try to convince myself that their actions were harmless but, in my heart, I know they were malicious in nature. I feel so conflicted, because I try to understand where their head was, but I can’t for the life of me make sense if it all. I am a do no harm type of person, even if that means I absorb all the impact. No part of the person that I am would have agreed with their actions yet they did them anyway.
I don’t usually listen to my mother but one thing I will always remember was her telling me as a kid that, “a friend is a dollar in your pocket.” I hated that saying because it was limiting, it gave no opportunity for people to be people worth knowing. My mother trusts absolutely no one and for the betterment of me I thought it be best I refrain from being like her. However, I can’t help but wonder if I had listened, if I had not trusted so blindly, would today be different?
I am fully aware that people aren’t going to always agree with the decisions you make. I am people as well. I have been on that flipped side of a coin where I do not agree, but only give that opinion when solicited and even then, I always kick things back to people. I do not make decisions for others. It would be audacious of me to assume I know what is best for someone other than myself.
As I sit here and write I realize I have yet to have any clarity on this whole situation. I don’t know that making sense of it is what is going to help.