I just want to go to sleep and wake up pain free. I feel like an idiot and a hypocrite. I can’t have things the way that I want them, so I hurt. I quit because I can’t handle things, so I hurt. Either way I’m fucking hurting. What is the point?
I worked maybe an hour today combined. I’ve been nauseous for a week now. Nothing is appetizing. I want to crawl into a hole and never come back out. I sit here waiting all day for a lifeline. I can’t clear my thoughts because every little thing reminds me of us. I can’t turn on the damn radio because every song reminds me of him. I can’t even listen to hip hop without remembering the reason why we clicked right away.
Our last two days weren’t enough. Nothing will ever be enough. Monday I was happy laughing about the silliest things, now I don’t even want to look at another comic book again. I don’t want to rehash a memory only to smile then cry because it’s over. I miss him so much, it makes no sense because it’s not like I see him everyday anyhow but with us being done, my heart misses him more every passing second. I just want to be in his arms again cracking stupid jokes just for the chance to see a smile across his face.
I don’t even know what to call this. A breakup? But you can’t lose what you never had right? Month after month of the most incredible feelings and I have nothing to show for it.
People would never understand what this is and I can’t fault them, but their suggestions and making light of the situation only makes matters worse. I think that people often make light of things to make themselves feel better. But I’m not in the habit of lying to myself. I know what I had, have. It’s still in yesterday’s messages. He’s in my time zone, sleeping under the same sky and I send and unsend messages because I don’t want to further complicate things. But I’m so far from fucking okay. I want to say screw logic and follow my heart. But my heart has already taken a beating. I can’t sleep. I can’t focus. I feel like I’m dying and all I can worry about is how he is feeling right now. I don’t want him to feel what I feel. It’s unbearable. I hate this and I want nothing more than to say forget it, let’s try. . .but I don’t even know what that would look like. I have shitty coping skills, and I end up hurting him time and time again.