I remember everything. Dates and numbers hardly escape me. I know that 12/31 was the first hello, 1/27 I love you, 4/1 the first meeting/kiss. . .everything, 4/5 first physical goodbye, 6/4 the second physical goodbye and 9/3 the last goodbye. I guess I can add another right? These days pass me like a tick on a calendar, there is no ignoring them. Even if I haven’t looked at the date there is a feeling of longing, of something that tells me, something important happened on this date. It is inevitable and heartbreaking.
Of all these dates the one that hurt the most was April 1st, it’s hard to believe it has been a year. That was the day that was meant to confirm that we weren’t crazy, that despite the odds two people met across country and fell in love without even seeing each other. Last year I was catching a flight to California for an experience that changed my life forever. In great and painful ways but I would do it over and over again. I was scared, anxious, optimistic and full of every human emotion possible. All those feelings and not a single one told me to take heed, to stay home. I had to go. That was one of the last times I was 100% certain about love. I thought I was running in the right direction. Yet, I’m sitting here perplexed at how things can change in a matter of a year. Hell, things change in a split second. We can’t even trust ourselves without acknowledging that we too are unpredictable.
I am not a person who has many vices, but I think I finally understand the mind of an addict. When you find something, in my case, someone that makes you feel things you’ve never felt you’re thankful for even a small taste. I imagine that is the rationale behind a drug high, people chase it and find every opportunity to pursue it. It was about a year ago that first intimidate hello and today a reminder of all those feelings peered it’s head at me. The feelings never left but I did often wonder if the suffering was mutual. I do anything I can to fill my calendar to distract myself. I swallow hard whenever anything reminds me of him. I push back the feelings when I’ve been staring off for too long and someone asks what is the matter. I struggle but I have endured. Today made me happy and destroyed me all at once. It was a temporary hello, perhaps one needed to place a band aide on the hurt of missing him. But it’ll never be enough. My heart will always be pulled in his direction. I’m glad he is fine and I’m thankful that I’m far from a memory for him. I can still feel him, it’s impossible to end such a profound connection like that. Today will be another one of those dates I remember come next year and forever after that.