New Normal

I have to say that this quarantine life with a curfew is beginning to be a bit stressful. I have been in my own quarantine since March 12. After getting discharged from the hospital I ended up getting readmitted a day later due to complications and as such was bed ridden for about 2 weeks. I still can’t fully bend at the middle and I never imagined I would still be nauseous after everything, but I think I am finally turning a corner on recovery. I have more better days than not. This weekend I left the house for the first time alone to go to Trader Joe’s. I am sure everyone was side eyeing me. My incisions don’t hurt if I put enough pressure on them, so I ended up stuffing a pillow in my pants under my sweater. Probably comical of me to do because I am pretty sure people were looking at me like I was either faking a pregnancy to skip the line or that I have Covid 19. Honestly it would have been the lumpiest turd looking baby if I could admit, there is no way I would pass as a pregnant woman anymore. To add on to the humor, I also had to wait in a line 6 feet apart from people. That took about thirty minutes. In that moment I regretted not bringing Jonathan with me because I was damn near about to pass out. I left him at home in part because I needed the car ride to clear my mind and he still needs to be able to be a kid. I depend on him so much.

I know that I am being stubborn, but I feel like I have burdened him so much over the past month that to keep asking for his help seems unfair. I know that he doesn’t mind but I think I’d rather crawl in pain than to wake him in the middle of the night any longer. For the first few days he slept on the ground next to me to make sure he could help if I needed to get out of bed or if he needed to hand me anything. I haven’t even been cleared to lift more than 5 lbs. at once; my brown eyed girl weighs more than that. I have my follow up next week, I was hoping that I could get the all clear, but I am not sure if I am fully healed on one side. Superficially my stitches look good but internally I feel different.

I am putting myself through so much, and alone at that, I know a year from now when I am in a better place, I will not have any doubt about this but right now I am tired. Because of the growing pandemic concerns the people who signed up to be there are no longer readily available. To be completely honest, because I am a control freak, I rather they were not. I don’t want anyone in my house where they could bring germs to us especially while my immunity is compromised. My brother left with his boyfriend since his department store was placed on a furlough. So, it’s just me and the kids. Us three and these four walls. Jonathan is staying busy and I am trying to occupy my time. I should be getting more writing done, but I have no energy, my fatigue is on high so when I am not needed, I am taking cat naps. I think this exhaust me more. My doctor gave me a prescription for B12 nasal drops, and I started those on Sunday, I do see a difference these past two days, but I am still not at 100%.

I am not usually this morose, but I needed to at least dump some of what I was feeling on here. I guess I want to get rid of the bad days. I know deep in my heart that this was the right choice, I just didn’t think it was going to be this difficult going forward.


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