Rule Out

I finally got talked into going to the hospital Saturday morning. I just felt like I could take so much pain so I didn’t want to waste resources when other people might need more help than I. My bubba was on WebMd and google searching symptoms and he insisted I didn’t have a kidney stone like the on call physician said so finally I gave in, because honestly I believe he was right. The worse I got the more I could see I was worrying him.

This all started on Friday around 3AM when I woke up out of my sleep in excruciating pain. It felt like contractions in my back throbbing on the right side and that is what I have been dealing with since then, except now it alternates to the left. Pain medication wears off at around two hours and when the pain has gotten to be too much I usually throw up or pass out, sometimes both. This is new for me because despite my old size I have always been pretty healthy.

Since getting to the hospital things have been pulled from under me. Jon drove me to urgent care and they made him go home. I hate that I had to watch him drive away. I know my son, he is more than I ever will be so I know he felt helpless. After some labs and CT scan then decided I needed to be admitted so they transferred me to the hospital in Carrollwood.

So right now I’m being treated for blood clots because they found some, one specifically in my kidney. They are also trying to figure out what is going on with my kidneys, they think either blood supply is blocked in an area or something has stopped working there. I have had EKG, ECG, MRI, CT, Ultrasounds and every lab and culture under the sun. They really give zero fucks about your ribs when they ultrasound you. I had to hold my breathe every time they wanted to take a still of the screen and I’m asthmatic so what the fuck. I’m quite certain every female tech and nurse on this floor has gotten a good look at my titties. When they rush in to get to your heart there aren’t very many pleasantries and I’m sorry’s. But yesterday was by far the worse. They did a TEE of my heart and that was torture. Basically they put a camera in through your mouth and look at your heart through your esophagus. The procedure is supposed to be while you’re moderately sedated. They gave me three doses of the medication. My doctor assumed by time they started it would kick in but the medication never did so I was fully awake and fighting the procedure. I have never felt so helpless. I felt like I was being suffocated while at the same time I had a small amount of air supply. I’m pretty resilient but that alone scared the fucking daylights out of me. They think it’s my IV line that is not working but once I was transported to my room the sedation finally kicked in and I slept for what felt like three hours. My throat hurts because of all the gagging and fighting to try to pull the shit out and I’m bruised up basically from arms to stomach. I get two injections for blood clots on my stomach twice a day and I have lost count at how many times an IV attempt has failed and a lab draw blew a vein.

Right now I’m at the mercy of these doctors trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I’m in pain, I’m tired and losing steam. No one can visit because of Covid and I get that but there is only so much my spirit can take. I desperately want to be home, I used all of my time off for surgery last month and now I’m here more concerned about my bills and home life than actually getting better. I had not planned for this. No one plans for shit like this. Fortunately my boss checks on me daily and I know she is more concerned with my wellness than my caseload. I got the promotion I wanted months ago and without very little effort of my own my new supervisor and her boss have taken a huge liking to me, I have been kicking ass. So at the end of last week I was offered to pilot a process for the whole state, and now this. That is an opportunity that will put me in a good position for the next promotion. I’m a workaholic thinking about this stuff while I’m laying in a hospital alone with a mask like I have all the germs on the planet. This shit is for the birds. I just want to be well and know exactly what is wrong with me.

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