I like your new picture

47 days ago was just a regular day. It was New Years Eve and I was either preparing to spend the evening at my brothers house or I was already there with a drink in hand. I was playing WWF for the millionth time and I finally gathered the courage to say something to someone I had been eyeing for quite some time. What a concept right, on the eve of a new year I sent what may as well be the most important message of my life. It was kind of silly and lackluster but what ensued there after has been proof that my message was meant to be written.

Since that hello we’ve been attached at the heart. Since that hello, I am the happiest I have ever been in my 34 years of life. Saying that out loud feels crazy, because I am a very happy person but on the same note I was like one of those sad clown masks that hid behind happy just so that people wouldn’t approach me. . .but this is anything but fake. I am beaming from the inside out.

Knowing my own history all too well, this is something new for me. I don’t do things the way others do them and throughout my life I struggled to show people I cared about how I really felt. Most relationships in my past didn’t go well because I couldn’t reciprocate my feelings back. I would be 5 months into a relationship and they would tell me they loved me and my immediate response wanted to be thank you but it is unkind to thank love. Past relationships would tell me all the million ways they loved me and then would look at me as if it were my turn to list my reasons. I used to think I was broken and that I just couldn’t love people but eventually they would wear me down and I’d love them in my own way. I am an extremely passionate and loving person, but trying to force things out of me is like finding out what happens in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s damn near impossible to make me say or do something I don’t want to. These past relationships made me feel bad for being the way I was. There was a time that I fought back and said, maybe love and expressing my feelings will come easy when I meet the one I’m meant to be with. It was hurtful to him but it was the truth. Everything I could learn in a book suggested that love was not in that room standing in front of me. Love had to feel different and easy and for fucks sake it had to feel loving.

Love is without condition. It is not because I told you, you tell me. Love is avoiding sleep because thinking about that person matters more than functioning properly the next day. Love is examining every part of their face and body and caring for every inch of it. Love is wanting nothing but their happiness over yours. Love is this terrifying feeling of them never understanding how much you love them. Love is also patient. Love is a good morning beautiful. Love pokes fun at your silliness and praises your perceived imperfections. Love listens when you are ready to talk, and tells you they will be there in those moments that you’re not. Love doesn’t obligate you to be out of your comfort zone. Love is so many things that I have yet to list. Love is him.

Somewhere in between day one and 47, I found all those types of loves in one moment. I was watching a movie with friends and Maya Angelou came on the television and said, “Love is many things. It’s varied. One thing it is not and can never be is unsure.” It was in that moment that I knew I was sure about my feelings. I am a natural skeptic and an intellect that questions everything. I need to know the why and the how but when it came to my love, there was nothing more certain for me than that of an I love you. It was very clear to me. I won’t say it didn’t seem crazy, because it did given our circumstances but crazy was never unsure.

So after many years of doubt and worry I now know with my whole entire heart that I was right. When you meet the one you’re meant to be with, all the uncertainty and past behavior will cease to exist. My heart isn’t reluctant with him. It does not cower behind humor to hide its feelings. I’m out in the open completely exposed and in love. It’s the most amazing feeling and the most beautiful thing I know I will ever experience in life. I love you comes out so easily, because it’s true. He matches me in every way. He does not make me feel like too much when I go off on a tangent. He loves back unconditionally and without exception. 47 days ago I would have never imagined we would be where we are today. I wouldn’t change a thing about my love but the most important and beautiful thing is, I don’t have to change a thing about me. I am loved for all of my idiosyncrasies not despite. He is my happiness. . .the love of my life.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.

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un autre jour

Je cours tous les jours comme un enfant désespéré pour voir si tu es de retour. Je ne suis jamais soulagé de voir votre nom accroché au dernier message que vous avez envoyé, rien de nouveau, mais un au revoir en plaisanterie. Nos mots sont là mais vous n’êtes pas revenu comme vous l’aviez toujours dit. J’ai un compte à rebours maintenant, un nouveau. Combien de jours depuis que j’ai ressenti mon amour pour la dernière fois. Combien de jours depuis que je me suis senti heureux. Juin est maintenant parti mais un souvenir constant. Je suis embarassée de revenir et j’ai honte. Je sais que votre conscience est claire et vous réalisez maintenant que nous étions une erreur et que cela me fait mal. Une nuit de plus dans les livres, pas de bonne nuit, non tu me manques, non je t’aime.

PS. . .I love you

I write so often that I forget to speak. I feel through pen and paper as my heart beats out of my un-healed chest. People tell you it’ll get better but who’s to really tell how long it takes to pull yourself together after a heart break. How do you fix something that grew to such a magnitude in such a fraction of time? How do you explain the inexplicable? They. . .people, the doubters, will never understand.

You meet new people and you find renewed hope in their eyes. They charm you into believing they are there to fix the gaping hole that replaced a once whole heart. Yet here I am, bleeding out again, and this time, unlike ever before. Immediately after his absence I wandered back into those moments when I said forever and I meant it. My forever looked much different. He is a distant and unattainable forever. . .and even though he has always been far, this is final and painful. I find myself drifting off to the moments I laid in the dark from across the country feeling him down to my bare bones. I remember the spark of electricity that rocked me to my core when we said I love you. In those moments I allowed my soul to escape me as it embraced every part of him. I knew, this is it. That was the moment that people hope for, something most will never feel and I did. . .I do. It’s so powerful it hurts. I sit upright with this fake smile on my face and I’m empty. I had never felt so whole in my life and fulfilled by love but here I am just days after completely baron. In the blink of a scared eye, I shed an ugly light on myself and ruined every hopeful possibility. I hurt the heart of the one I swore to protect and obliterated my own in the same panic.

I was driving last night. It is one of my favorite things to do because I can think and clear my mind. I sat distraught in my car and shed inconsolable tears so that when I was ready I could walk into my home and pretend that I was not falling apart. Unfortunately there is no distance in this world that will allow me to outrun the love I have for this man. It is inescapable, it is powerful and more than anything I ever felt, it is painful. When you meet someone you have no idea what they will mean to you, or how they will impact your life. I in many ways wish I had never met him, only because of the excruciating pain I am in. I miss it all, the laughter, the love, the fabricated fantasies we had that would never become true. Even the stupid disagreements. He made me happy and now I’m dejected back into the reality that is life without him while fully knowing someone like him exists. It hurts and I don’t know how to fix myself. I wish I could put back all of the little pieces that so willingly threw themselves open for him. My heart is lacking and its pulsating and pumping to the rhythm of an open wound.

I feel like I am living two lives. The one where everything is just peachy and I work and come home and I’m that same hopeful person I have always been but then there is this other me, the me I am when I am sulking in the solace of a broken heart. There are moments when I sit with my back against the wall and I think of his eyes and I kid myself into believing I can draw a perfect memory of him. I touch my lips and I frown because the only reciprocity I have is that of my cold fingertips against my anguished smile, my lips will never know his. I hold my hands against my chest and I realize there is nothing there but pieces of anatomy. My heart is working but it is very much missing the one who once made it jump out of my chest. How in such an ellipses in time could I have loved to the point of my own detriment. As impossible as it seemed it happened in two hearts that lived on the same pages for a short run. I was foolish and jumped ahead only to lose it all.

To never hold that face in my palms, or hear a last I love you, that is my pain. No more giggles and silly, “what up tho,” I took these days for granted because I thought there was always going to be a tomorrow. The what if that will remain unanswered is all I have left. One day I know I’ll smile and be thankful for no matter the brevity, that I had a love so powerful. That day is not today, I am but a vessel of a woman, empty and angry because I am broken over the one that never belonged to me outside of my heart.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.

Love Shouldn’t be Blind

We are all different, but there are some of us who feel a bit more peculiar that others. I am one of those people. Being different makes me happy, even if it makes me stand out. That is why I feel that the phrase, “love with your heart and not with your eyes,” makes no sense. Of course I want to be loved and appreciated for everything I am, my character, my heart. . .but I also want to be loved for everything that people can see without looking within.

I feel as though we are constantly reminded to ignore looks so much that we negate the possibility that anything that is not normal can be beautiful. Flawed smiles and imperfect teeth, round bodies or thin physiques become the subject of apology and exception. We have become conditioned to love despite and not because.

When we first meet people it is impossible to take a look deep into their soul without first acknowledging and embracing what we see as a whole. The way they frown, the way they squint when they are thinking deeply. There are so many visual characteristics that we pass up when we apply the notion of loving blindly.

For a very long time I wanted people to give me a long enough chance to realize that I am more than the sum of my looks. I was loving myself despite. I was wrong. I don’t want exceptions to be made for me. I stand tall at over 67 inches, I have child bearing hips and my hair doesn’t fall perfectly in the morning. There are days where my smile is the quickest and easiest place to hide because all the things that make me who I am are hidden inside of a body that people are trained to accept, not love.

I was one of the many who missed out because I learned with exception. This is no longer acceptable. It hasn’t been for a long time and I realize now how damaging that perception has been to my own decision making.

One of my favorite things of getting to know people is memorizing the curves of their face, the pigment in their eyes and cementing the way my heart feels when I see them. The way their thoughts are emitted throughout their body. All these idiosyncratic things about them that I would not know if not by body language.

If I’d carry on ignoring the things that people closet because they aren’t perfect, I would miss out on the beauty and profound touch of the human condition.

 

About that 

Time passes you by and before you know it you’re wishing for a break from it all. . .but then life slows down and you can see the leaves falling to the ground ever so gently and with no rush in mind. Life falls as it may and pieces land where they should and after you wanted a break from the madness you realize the madness is your life. . .and what is life but a little bit of madness.