I haven’t been this exhausted since. . .fuck, I have never been this tired. I want to get to the part where I am catching my breath again but you can’t really read ahead in life. There is no back of the book blurb to tell you how things will turn out. All I know is I am emotionally and physically bankrupt with very little left to give.
I’m trying to find a work life balance with my day job to finish my days early or at least on time so that I can figure things out in the evening. I didn’t want to commit to a 2nd job completely because, I can’t see myself doing this forever. So instead I decided to start driving for Uber, I already spend a great deal of time on the road driving to clear my mind. My brother suggested doing Uber when I was trying to find a way to pay for the deductible for Jonathan’s surgery. Which up until the beginning of last month we thought was completely covered.
I think I’ve been living on about 5 hours of sleep a night. I work my day job, rest at home for an hour, eat dinner and then leave my house. Never something I thought I’d do but as a parent you do what you have to do. I try not to do it too late because Jonathan begins to worry when I’m out there at night. I also know in great part he feels guilty because I’m out there trying to save for his surgery. So I tiptoe around that, he thinks he is the man of the house at times and although I like the mindset he is forming, it is still my responsibility to pull through for him no matter what. I see him in pain and pushing through and it makes me feel sad that he goes out of his way to act okay because he doesn’t want to financially burden me. I could keep things up and save without Ubering but it would take maybe two/three months to save up what discretionary income I have. But the time it would take to cover the out of pockets is not worth the wait at the expense of him further injuring himself and going on in pain for another few months. I also want him to be able to start school as planned. For now I am trying to save enough to get his surgery back on the schedule. It sucks, I have pride, but I have to bite the bullet.
When I discussed things with his dad he said he doesn’t have the money and for some reason feels like Jon can push through. I for one don’t have the patience to deal with him anymore when it comes to Jon. I try to understand that he has 4 other children and try not to dabble in how he handles his finances, but it’s hard to avoid the anger when you have no support for a kid you didn’t create alone. I have people, my, “let me know if you need anything people,” but sitting around talking shit about what he should do and what I should do because of his lack of help is a waste of my time. Complaining and venting to them won’t get this shit paid. I know that I put myself at a disadvantage when I refuse to ask for help but I’m so accustomed to doing everything on my own for Jonathan and I, that anything outside of that feels strange. I don’t fully mean financially either, emotionally I take the hit on everything just to avoid unnecessary questions. I just don’t know how to ask for help, it’s part pride and part knowing I’m his mother so he is my responsibility. If I had saved money, if I were better prepared for emergencies perhaps I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
I plan on doing this for a few more weeks, maybe two months at the most, just to pay for the deductible so that we can finally reschedule this and also prepare for whatever physical therapy costs I may incur for Jonathan post surgery. It’s doable, I’m just having a hard time pacing myself. I’m tired, grouchy, I miss my bright eyes immensely. I am completely maxed out and frustrated with myself. In between the working, mom responsibilities, driving, and writing for the contest, I have little to no time to spare. I know I won’t rest until Jon has had his surgery so I have to figure out some sort of balance because I can tell I am taking things out on everyone and am short on patience these days.