I don’t know where to start. . .
I sat and looked at this blank screen for a while, trying to make it into something. Blank pages almost seem like a brand new start. I can take things where I want to, to a place I have never been before. I guess the same can be said about new relationships, or I suppose the development of a friendship that could become something tangible. So you give it a go, you take a step forward. There stands this person with a blank slate, you know nothing about them and you very quickly and easily decide this one is going to be different. The risk will be worth taking because it is something you have never tried before. . .but see the difference is when I write, I can take things exactly where I want to but in matters of the heart, I am left with very little choice. Before taking my most recent leap of faith, my giddy little heart whispered, “you break you buy.”
Well,where are we now?
We. . .me & my heart
. . .long story short, you get what you pay for. I won’t say that I am heart broken but I can say I feel like I am at a loss. Every time we take a photo, a little bit of us goes away with it. That memory and moment captured will never be duplicated in life again. Much like the warm embraces and quick glances shared among two people. They go away and cease to exist when you’ve parted ways.
What would Johanna do?
It is a question I ask myself everyday. I am not talking about the things that are clear but more so the things that are unlike myself. When I don’t want to be moral or do the right thing, I ask myself. . .What. Would. Johanna. Do? Being good comes easy, being positive even better and yet there are times when I just want to crawl into my own shell and hide from the world. Making decisions. . .the right decisions, is exhausting. Even so I choose daily, sometimes it doesn’t come easy, sometimes it is pretty clear but no matter the what or when I must decide.
So here I am on the eve of another Monday. I have had some tough decisions to make and I couldn’t help but to feel alone in them. No matter what I decide I have had support but I am reaching that point that I am so tired of having just support from friends and family. . .I feel alone. . .lonely. I don’t like to admit it but it is true and I have become a worse liar by the minute so I shall spare the lies for one who knows how to tell them.
It’s Christmas again, my favorite holiday in the world and the other night I found myself walking hand in hand with my little brother. While it is sweet, I couldn’t help but notice all the couples and families strolling through the park enjoying the holiday festivities. I don’t get jealous but I found myself rather envious that night of the people who had a person. Whether they walked hand in hand in silence because their company was sufficient or if they walked hand in hand speechless because they were the fighting type. How funny is it that I even regret not having someone to fight with.
I’ve been single for quite a bit now, with a few bouts of dating. I have been alone long enough to understand my own silence but that silence is enough to crowd my brain with a million thoughts and my heart with a wrenching pang of solitude. My son once asked me if I got lonely when he wasn’t around and at the time I said no. I needed the alone time to get to know myself and to figure out what I wanted and to also learn how to love myself. The time has come that his question is ringing in my head and I am afraid to say the answer has changed.
When my son is around, nothing else in the world matters. It is as if we live in this world and it is only he and I, but when he is gone my life feels empty. It is as if he is the sun and I am the moon wishing to see his light. When he is back, that frozen time that feels like an eternity comes to a halt and I can breath again. I love my son above everything else but we all have needs. The need to be loved for our quirks, for the silly way we say hello or how crazy our hair looks in the morning.
The past few years I have said I wasn’t ready for something serious and that I was ok with being just a portion of someone’s life because I had goals of my own. . .but. . .things change. I don’t want to rush into love, I don’t want to rush into anything but my tune has changed and I know I am ready for something more than the occupancy of someone’s time. I don’t think that is too much to ask.