I like your new picture

47 days ago was just a regular day. It was New Years Eve and I was either preparing to spend the evening at my brothers house or I was already there with a drink in hand. I was playing WWF for the millionth time and I finally gathered the courage to say something to someone I had been eyeing for quite some time. What a concept right, on the eve of a new year I sent what may as well be the most important message of my life. It was kind of silly and lackluster but what ensued there after has been proof that my message was meant to be written.

Since that hello we’ve been attached at the heart. Since that hello, I am the happiest I have ever been in my 34 years of life. Saying that out loud feels crazy, because I am a very happy person but on the same note I was like one of those sad clown masks that hid behind happy just so that people wouldn’t approach me. . .but this is anything but fake. I am beaming from the inside out.

Knowing my own history all too well, this is something new for me. I don’t do things the way others do them and throughout my life I struggled to show people I cared about how I really felt. Most relationships in my past didn’t go well because I couldn’t reciprocate my feelings back. I would be 5 months into a relationship and they would tell me they loved me and my immediate response wanted to be thank you but it is unkind to thank love. Past relationships would tell me all the million ways they loved me and then would look at me as if it were my turn to list my reasons. I used to think I was broken and that I just couldn’t love people but eventually they would wear me down and I’d love them in my own way. I am an extremely passionate and loving person, but trying to force things out of me is like finding out what happens in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s damn near impossible to make me say or do something I don’t want to. These past relationships made me feel bad for being the way I was. There was a time that I fought back and said, maybe love and expressing my feelings will come easy when I meet the one I’m meant to be with. It was hurtful to him but it was the truth. Everything I could learn in a book suggested that love was not in that room standing in front of me. Love had to feel different and easy and for fucks sake it had to feel loving.

Love is without condition. It is not because I told you, you tell me. Love is avoiding sleep because thinking about that person matters more than functioning properly the next day. Love is examining every part of their face and body and caring for every inch of it. Love is wanting nothing but their happiness over yours. Love is this terrifying feeling of them never understanding how much you love them. Love is also patient. Love is a good morning beautiful. Love pokes fun at your silliness and praises your perceived imperfections. Love listens when you are ready to talk, and tells you they will be there in those moments that you’re not. Love doesn’t obligate you to be out of your comfort zone. Love is so many things that I have yet to list. Love is him.

Somewhere in between day one and 47, I found all those types of loves in one moment. I was watching a movie with friends and Maya Angelou came on the television and said, “Love is many things. It’s varied. One thing it is not and can never be is unsure.” It was in that moment that I knew I was sure about my feelings. I am a natural skeptic and an intellect that questions everything. I need to know the why and the how but when it came to my love, there was nothing more certain for me than that of an I love you. It was very clear to me. I won’t say it didn’t seem crazy, because it did given our circumstances but crazy was never unsure.

So after many years of doubt and worry I now know with my whole entire heart that I was right. When you meet the one you’re meant to be with, all the uncertainty and past behavior will cease to exist. My heart isn’t reluctant with him. It does not cower behind humor to hide its feelings. I’m out in the open completely exposed and in love. It’s the most amazing feeling and the most beautiful thing I know I will ever experience in life. I love you comes out so easily, because it’s true. He matches me in every way. He does not make me feel like too much when I go off on a tangent. He loves back unconditionally and without exception. 47 days ago I would have never imagined we would be where we are today. I wouldn’t change a thing about my love but the most important and beautiful thing is, I don’t have to change a thing about me. I am loved for all of my idiosyncrasies not despite. He is my happiness. . .the love of my life.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.

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un autre jour

Je cours tous les jours comme un enfant désespéré pour voir si tu es de retour. Je ne suis jamais soulagé de voir votre nom accroché au dernier message que vous avez envoyé, rien de nouveau, mais un au revoir en plaisanterie. Nos mots sont là mais vous n’êtes pas revenu comme vous l’aviez toujours dit. J’ai un compte à rebours maintenant, un nouveau. Combien de jours depuis que j’ai ressenti mon amour pour la dernière fois. Combien de jours depuis que je me suis senti heureux. Juin est maintenant parti mais un souvenir constant. Je suis embarassée de revenir et j’ai honte. Je sais que votre conscience est claire et vous réalisez maintenant que nous étions une erreur et que cela me fait mal. Une nuit de plus dans les livres, pas de bonne nuit, non tu me manques, non je t’aime.