The Blueprint

You have a taste of what life could be like loving and feeling down to your soul and you can’t help but to dream with enthusiasm. You start to imagine a life in the best possible outcome. You start splashing colors on the walls and hanging up photographs of the memories you’d like to have. You think of the inside jokes you have and of the laughs you have already shared and imagine how they’d hold up after decades together. You picture having everything with that one person. You are no longer okay with bare walls and a simple life. Despite how you crossed paths you dream a little dream and convince yourself that everything happens for a reason. That Karma could be you and despite its reputation, karma is also capable of giving people the good they deserve. Yet, despite my own dreams, I’ve been pulled down a bit to reality.

You ever wonder what happened before things change? Before the world you knew is no longer the world you know. It happens to us every time, in friendships and relationships when the hope is slightly pulled from under your feet and you lose a little bit of that childlike wonder. It’s like I was at the highest parts of the heavens and I jumped down knowing that I wanted to be caught by that one person waiting at the surface. But no one tells you that on the way down you may get caught by a tree branch and pieces of you will get snagged in the process by reality. That despite your desire to be completely free of restraints you start to realize that not all variables are controlled by you.

I guess that is where I am at, finding myself torn between being unchanged and fully open living in the blueprints of a dream. I altered myself and began to pace and mute myself just a little to mirror him. I can’t help it but the, “I am not ready,” changed the way that I went about things and I don’t like that. I fully understand where it was coming from and get it, whole heartedly. Admittedly, up until that point, I didn’t have expectations I was just all in no matter what. I had never been, “all in,” in my entire life, and for weeks on end even months, it felt amazing to be, “all in,” with him. To be free of the parts of me that tell myself not to go for it. I usually give myself to people in sips not swallows and here I was in full gulps. My feelings are unchanged I know how I feel but I also know that I reached a point where a pinch of my behavior changed because I thought it was no longer appropriate to carry on as I was. I was after all warned and I started to notice that some of the things I said weren’t reciprocated in the same enthusiasm as they had before. The I want everything’s and forever, seemed to have an undisclosed expiration date and started to feel painfully one sided. Was it warranted, or am I being unusually aware of my surroundings? Nonetheless I began to roll up the blueprints of my wildest dreams and started carrying them beside me. Not fully abandoning the dream but I guess to avoid looking at the intricacies of a future that may never be ascertained. However, I don’t like operating this way, pessimism is a close friend of negativity and none of what I feel for him is negative. It had always been and remains to be certainty. I am hoping that putting my thoughts in writing will clear my mind and help me move forward to be the way I was before the warning shot. Because despite taking the blow, I remain unchanged and all in no matter what.

If love is in fact chemistry or some form of chemical reaction, will my positive cancel out the negatives and even out the odds? This feeling of certainty reminds me that it could not be any more perfect. The work of true genius I suppose. Many people could not figure out some of the most brilliant souls in the universe, yet they still have an admiration and respect for them. Love is but another form of misunderstood genius. We sit at the mercy of the feeling and thrill that being in love gives us. Love is inexplicably addictive, and I had never had any vices until him. The love and happiness I feel at the sheer thought of him is what gets me by through this tumultuous countdown. Love has been what has emotionally carried me through this otherwise emotionally malnourished life. Love is that in which causes us to question the world as we knew it.

Looking at the eyes of someone that is not bound by lineage, friendship or ties and imagining a complete life with them in a split second is the work of something else. I can’t help it if I am the type of person that allows themselves to be carried away by the dream. Especially if that dream could carry your future in his eyes.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants

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Goodnight moon

A few years ago, I thought love was this construct that people tell you exists but was reserved for a select few. I had no qualms with being alone because quite frankly I had discontinued any efforts on the love front. Dating felt like an arduous task that was more daunting than pleasant. It was like this never-ending interview that at some point will either get you promoted or scrapped with a pile of resumes. I can’t say that I felt terrible when things didn’t pan out, because truthfully any little thing turned me off to the idea of certain people. Even if in that process I gave up something decent. But love isn’t like finding that tried and true black dress. Who in their right mind just wants someone that meets a need but doesn’t set your entire soul on fire?

Despite my own perceived pessimism about love, I did hold out hope. In the back of my mind and the recesses of my heart I knew that there had to be a love so powerful that it would make a believer out of the smartest skeptic. A can’t breathe, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t be without each other kind of love. A kind of love that doesn’t take years to develop, it’s the type that knocked me completely off my feet and while I was lying on the ground looking up at the dark sky. I realized there aren’t enough starts to name off all the things I love about him.

It turns out I was a hopeful romantic after all. I thought love was like lying under the stars looking for the same one in the sky every night. It seemed quite impossible but without any effort of my own, there he was, right under my nose. Nothing tedious or fake about him, or us. He is like that missing piece of my jigsaw puzzle that had gone missing while I was busy putting myself together. The piece I didn’t realize I needed, until he showed up and suddenly I know what it is like to feel whole again. He inspires me to complete myself and to appreciate the person I am. I know that I’m perfectly imperfect and still have some growing to do when it comes to loving myself entirely, but I do know that in my image, he can do no wrong. He is this perfect set of circumstances in one body. Everything about him, complements and strengthens the things about me that once felt weak.

I know in the grand scheme of things, we are but a spec in an indifferent universe, however in my gravitational pull, he is my world. . .my bright eyes, sunny skies and introspection.

I like your new picture

47 days ago was just a regular day. It was New Years Eve and I was either preparing to spend the evening at my brothers house or I was already there with a drink in hand. I was playing WWF for the millionth time and I finally gathered the courage to say something to someone I had been eyeing for quite some time. What a concept right, on the eve of a new year I sent what may as well be the most important message of my life. It was kind of silly and lackluster but what ensued there after has been proof that my message was meant to be written.

Since that hello we’ve been attached at the heart. Since that hello, I am the happiest I have ever been in my 34 years of life. Saying that out loud feels crazy, because I am a very happy person but on the same note I was like one of those sad clown masks that hid behind happy just so that people wouldn’t approach me. . .but this is anything but fake. I am beaming from the inside out.

Knowing my own history all too well, this is something new for me. I don’t do things the way others do them and throughout my life I struggled to show people I cared about how I really felt. Most relationships in my past didn’t go well because I couldn’t reciprocate my feelings back. I would be 5 months into a relationship and they would tell me they loved me and my immediate response wanted to be thank you but it is unkind to thank love. Past relationships would tell me all the million ways they loved me and then would look at me as if it were my turn to list my reasons. I used to think I was broken and that I just couldn’t love people but eventually they would wear me down and I’d love them in my own way. I am an extremely passionate and loving person, but trying to force things out of me is like finding out what happens in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s damn near impossible to make me say or do something I don’t want to. These past relationships made me feel bad for being the way I was. There was a time that I fought back and said, maybe love and expressing my feelings will come easy when I meet the one I’m meant to be with. It was hurtful to him but it was the truth. Everything I could learn in a book suggested that love was not in that room standing in front of me. Love had to feel different and easy and for fucks sake it had to feel loving.

Love is without condition. It is not because I told you, you tell me. Love is avoiding sleep because thinking about that person matters more than functioning properly the next day. Love is examining every part of their face and body and caring for every inch of it. Love is wanting nothing but their happiness over yours. Love is this terrifying feeling of them never understanding how much you love them. Love is also patient. Love is a good morning beautiful. Love pokes fun at your silliness and praises your perceived imperfections. Love listens when you are ready to talk, and tells you they will be there in those moments that you’re not. Love doesn’t obligate you to be out of your comfort zone. Love is so many things that I have yet to list. Love is him.

Somewhere in between day one and 47, I found all those types of loves in one moment. I was watching a movie with friends and Maya Angelou came on the television and said, “Love is many things. It’s varied. One thing it is not and can never be is unsure.” It was in that moment that I knew I was sure about my feelings. I am a natural skeptic and an intellect that questions everything. I need to know the why and the how but when it came to my love, there was nothing more certain for me than that of an I love you. It was very clear to me. I won’t say it didn’t seem crazy, because it did given our circumstances but crazy was never unsure.

So after many years of doubt and worry I now know with my whole entire heart that I was right. When you meet the one you’re meant to be with, all the uncertainty and past behavior will cease to exist. My heart isn’t reluctant with him. It does not cower behind humor to hide its feelings. I’m out in the open completely exposed and in love. It’s the most amazing feeling and the most beautiful thing I know I will ever experience in life. I love you comes out so easily, because it’s true. He matches me in every way. He does not make me feel like too much when I go off on a tangent. He loves back unconditionally and without exception. 47 days ago I would have never imagined we would be where we are today. I wouldn’t change a thing about my love but the most important and beautiful thing is, I don’t have to change a thing about me. I am loved for all of my idiosyncrasies not despite. He is my happiness. . .the love of my life.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.

un autre jour

Je cours tous les jours comme un enfant désespéré pour voir si tu es de retour. Je ne suis jamais soulagé de voir votre nom accroché au dernier message que vous avez envoyé, rien de nouveau, mais un au revoir en plaisanterie. Nos mots sont là mais vous n’êtes pas revenu comme vous l’aviez toujours dit. J’ai un compte à rebours maintenant, un nouveau. Combien de jours depuis que j’ai ressenti mon amour pour la dernière fois. Combien de jours depuis que je me suis senti heureux. Juin est maintenant parti mais un souvenir constant. Je suis embarassée de revenir et j’ai honte. Je sais que votre conscience est claire et vous réalisez maintenant que nous étions une erreur et que cela me fait mal. Une nuit de plus dans les livres, pas de bonne nuit, non tu me manques, non je t’aime.

PS. . .I love you

I write so often that I forget to speak. I feel through pen and paper as my heart beats out of my un-healed chest. People tell you it’ll get better but who’s to really tell how long it takes to pull yourself together after a heart break. How do you fix something that grew to such a magnitude in such a fraction of time? How do you explain the inexplicable? They. . .people, the doubters, will never understand.

You meet new people and you find renewed hope in their eyes. They charm you into believing they are there to fix the gaping hole that replaced a once whole heart. Yet here I am, bleeding out again, and this time, unlike ever before. Immediately after his absence I wandered back into those moments when I said forever and I meant it. My forever looked much different. He is a distant and unattainable forever. . .and even though he has always been far, this is final and painful. I find myself drifting off to the moments I laid in the dark from across the country feeling him down to my bare bones. I remember the spark of electricity that rocked me to my core when we said I love you. In those moments I allowed my soul to escape me as it embraced every part of him. I knew, this is it. That was the moment that people hope for, something most will never feel and I did. . .I do. It’s so powerful it hurts. I sit upright with this fake smile on my face and I’m empty. I had never felt so whole in my life and fulfilled by love but here I am just days after completely baron. In the blink of a scared eye, I shed an ugly light on myself and ruined every hopeful possibility. I hurt the heart of the one I swore to protect and obliterated my own in the same panic.

I was driving last night. It is one of my favorite things to do because I can think and clear my mind. I sat distraught in my car and shed inconsolable tears so that when I was ready I could walk into my home and pretend that I was not falling apart. Unfortunately there is no distance in this world that will allow me to outrun the love I have for this man. It is inescapable, it is powerful and more than anything I ever felt, it is painful. When you meet someone you have no idea what they will mean to you, or how they will impact your life. I in many ways wish I had never met him, only because of the excruciating pain I am in. I miss it all, the laughter, the love, the fabricated fantasies we had that would never become true. Even the stupid disagreements. He made me happy and now I’m dejected back into the reality that is life without him while fully knowing someone like him exists. It hurts and I don’t know how to fix myself. I wish I could put back all of the little pieces that so willingly threw themselves open for him. My heart is lacking and its pulsating and pumping to the rhythm of an open wound.

I feel like I am living two lives. The one where everything is just peachy and I work and come home and I’m that same hopeful person I have always been but then there is this other me, the me I am when I am sulking in the solace of a broken heart. There are moments when I sit with my back against the wall and I think of his eyes and I kid myself into believing I can draw a perfect memory of him. I touch my lips and I frown because the only reciprocity I have is that of my cold fingertips against my anguished smile, my lips will never know his. I hold my hands against my chest and I realize there is nothing there but pieces of anatomy. My heart is working but it is very much missing the one who once made it jump out of my chest. How in such an ellipses in time could I have loved to the point of my own detriment. As impossible as it seemed it happened in two hearts that lived on the same pages for a short run. I was foolish and jumped ahead only to lose it all.

To never hold that face in my palms, or hear a last I love you, that is my pain. No more giggles and silly, “what up tho,” I took these days for granted because I thought there was always going to be a tomorrow. The what if that will remain unanswered is all I have left. One day I know I’ll smile and be thankful for no matter the brevity, that I had a love so powerful. That day is not today, I am but a vessel of a woman, empty and angry because I am broken over the one that never belonged to me outside of my heart.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.