Dear 34

Thirty five is less than a day away. I’m not one to set birthday resolutions but I do hope that 35 finishes what 34 started. Thirty four has been an eventful year, full of changes, frustrations, excitement and unexpected turn of events. 34 has been similar to every year yet the one difference is him. I was completely blindsided by love. I didn’t plan to fall in love. I merely intended on finishing the year, working, raising a kid and eventually making my way back to some intrinsic educational goal. Nothing could have ever prepared me to feel what I feel every time I think of him and when he is around.

I met him a little over 4 months ago. The man that I know I’ll love forever, in every circumstance in life and despite any distance. I wish that I could remember the exact moment I knew he was my everything. . .my forever. While I cant pinpoint the precise moment, I know that it happened almost instantaneously. I still have my moments where it doesn’t seem real because the attraction and love is so perfect. To love is incredible, to be loved is divine. I’ve never been loved this way before, it feels like my heart has this never ending smile. I don’t have to acknowledge the times I’ve been loved improperly in my past to give this validity. If I had met him first, before all of the mistakes of my past, he would still be the one I will love forever, and the last man I’ll ever love. God knows I wish I had met him first.

We have the type of love that you want to tell the world you have, while at the same time, you wish to keep it to yourself and protect it. You don’t want it to be scrutinized and picked apart by those that would never understand it. There is no explaining once in a lifetime. This feels like what I can only imagine it feels like to be a star. Bursting at the seems with light and love and although at times it feels so powerful it can become unbearable, you crave and desire more of that power and love. It sounds super cheesy but that is what I can compare it to the most. It’s unbearable because of the distance. There are times when I feel like we are an impossible distance away. Patience is limited and I feel like a child about to throw a tantrum. Even when he is sleeping I miss him, I struggle even with the time difference.

So much has been surrounding timing lately. I feel like I’m extremely aware of this count down and how timing affects us all in many ways. Timing hasn’t been a huge indicator for me, because as long as I can remember free will runs ramped for me. I have always and will always believe that we choose the things we want in life and in the same regard, we attract them. I don’t believe anything is by coincidence. I do believe that there is a such thing as a missed opportunity, such as when fate has placed something or someone at your feet and you don’t use your free will to see them and better yet choose them. Such is not the case here. I choose him everyday, all day at multiple times a day. When it gets rough, when I’m about to pout again about how long I have to wait to see him, I choose happiness over convenience. I would do anything to have him close but the fact that he exists and we love in this way is a constant reminder that the distance is only temporary compared to that of never having met him. Patience, although it may appear to be in short supply, is in high demand and much needed. I need him in ways I cannot express.

What we have is something Incredible. I don’t proceed with caution, although at times I still ask if it’s okay to ask a question, it’s not an indicative of how I feel with him. It just feels so different to speak so freely, with understanding. Loving him is like looking into a kaleidoscope, there are so many pieces that have yet to come together but every time I look through the picture is beautiful.

Thank you 34, for being so good to me.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.

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Inhale. . .exhale

Last week was a trying week. I spent it sick working from home the majority of the time. In between work I laid in bed thinking of everything I cannot control, and even spent a great deal of time focusing on those things I can. I lacked motivation to operate and as a result I neglected writing for over a week. I think there is just something about being sick that draws attention to loneliness. Not having someone present to help you do the things you can’t do for yourself feels like you’re the last person on the planet. So I sulked for a minute.

Last night I finally had a moment to really think about where I currently am. How my heart is feeling. I am conflicted and emotionally drained. I can’t wait to finally catch my breath in his arms. I miss our week in April and wish to be there again with him, smiling from ear to ear without a care in the world. Being at his side and being away provided a type of solitude and peace I needed. In the hours I spent alone, I was able to get a much needed break from my reality.

I started writing different blogs in the course of the last week and not one felt like the right one. Nothing had a common thread or theme. I have been in this cluster fuck of emotions lately with my family and it is draining, extremely draining. I have been experiencing a writing block unlike before. My feelings are all over the place, these people are driving me fucking crazy and unfortunately I have been letting them.

This should probably be a throw away post, but I am not going to get back to my writing rhythm if I don’t get all the things that are bothering me off my chest.

I feel as though I haven’t taken a real moment to bask in what is happening with my son. His college experience is temporarily on hold until after surgery, but he still has all these big things going on and I am allowing things with my family to trump all the life that is happening. His last day of high school is tomorrow, he turns 18 on Saturday and he graduates in a little over two weeks. My only child is growing up and I haven’t taken the time to be proud of everything we have accomplished as a pair. I’m extremely proud and I need to live life and be more present with him instead of letting it flash by me. I have been so focused on trying to make sure everything is perfect for him that I failed to realize that Jon is one of the most appreciative people I’ve ever met.

Planning everything hasn’t been as bad, compared to pulling everyone together. It’s been weeks since I last spoke to my mother and again, reaching out to her is this never-ending task and feeling of, “am I doing this right?” I reached out to her on Mother’s Day and again, here I sit waiting for a call back or a lifeline. It is utterly exhausting. I like to pretend I don’t care, but it’s painfully obvious I do.

I was sitting at my computer staring at the screen when my brother approached me. Obviously he knew something was up and so we talked about it. He is kind of like an outsider looking in and he could see how much guilt I’m carrying on my chest about my mother and family. To this day, I have no idea how I can put myself first without feeling like I owe it to them to try. How does someone close the book on their own mother. Is that even okay?

I remember when I was a kid, my mom was institutionalized at least 3 times. On one occasion the psychiatrist spoke to my uncle and family about someone in the home that was the cause for my mother’s digression. My mother’s relationship with my grandmother made my mother sick. I remember my grandmother crying and hiding in the closet and my mother constantly trying to please her and make her happy. That relationship was taxing and I never understood it. I see how my grandmother was and how over time my mother has become that same person. In return, my relationship with my mother has become this cantankerous situation that brings me little to no happiness. I am tired of being the good daughter for someone that at times can be so manipulative and hurtful. I find that if I’m of no use to her, I’m useless to her.

I’ve started to realize that when things don’t go well with her I pick apart at everything else that is going right in my life. It’s easy to throw my hands up in the air and say, this isn’t going as planned and try to quit. She makes me flighty, because that is the way she is. She holds me back and I have given her a pass because of the fact that she is my mother. I can’t keep doing that. There is no other time I realize this more than when it comes to Jon and now with my bright eyes.

When things picked up with my last job and my family was around more, I took a break from school. I thought it be best to focus on getting Jonathan in line. I wanted to make sure he was doing well in school and that I was present for every school activity. I’ve done that but it came at a price. When I’m not focusing on him, I give way to the bullshit and let my family try to occupy my time. I’m extremely school and career driven, and stopping school was the right move at the time, but my return to it is long overdue. So I’m going back in the fall, I’m finishing what I started and I’m getting back in my groove. The idea of it already has me excited. It’ll open more doors to get back into the field I love. I know that once I’m focused on myself again, I’m unchangeable.

Realizing everything that was piling up on me has helped me somewhat clear the debris and realize amidst it all, I have so much to be thankful for.

I have this magnificent kid that has grown into an incredible young man. Does he make me crazy, absolutely, but I think that’s because he is a living breathing embodiment of me. He has so much potential and I can’t wait to see the person he is when he is my age.

I also have my love. A person that I never in all my years thought I’d have. The love that he and I have comes without effort. He is my happiness and has been there for me even when I didn’t know how to ask for it. We understand one another even at a distance and it’s incredible. He is my forever, my bright eyes and I can’t wait to see him and kiss him again.

Tu me manques

When I was old enough to speak, I learned Spanish right away. Both of my parents are Puerto Rican and my oldest siblings were born there so Spanish was the dominant language at home. When I started school, I was placed in ESOL (English for Speakers of other Languages). It took about 2 weeks for me to test out of there when I proved to learned at an exponential rate. I don’t know if that was an early sign of my affinity to languages, but I think of it at times.

I never realized how similar the romance languages were until I heard some of them spoken. Those languages being French, Spanish, Italian, Romanian and Portuguese. Of the five, I speak two and understand four. In 2012, I went to Montreal to visit my brother Richard, he was raised French Canadian. I was immersed in a world where I couldn’t fluently communicate a thought in the dominant language. It was extremely interesting and frustrating all at once. Everyone could speak English, but French was their go to. I would sit there and almost fully understand their conversations with few exceptions, but I had to respond in English. That was the moment I decided I wanted to learn French. It was fascinating.

I love being multilingual. I feel as though I can understand things in a way that I would not be able to if I only spoke English. There have been moments when an explanation escapes me and when told in Spanish or French everything suddenly seems to make sense. Such is the example with I miss you.
In English and Spanish, I miss you is straight forward. I. Miss. You. . .the person you are saying it to. However, in French the literal translation of I miss you is, “tu me manques.” You are missing from me. . .I feel that. . .it makes sense.

I miss you. . .I miss him. . .he is missing from me. The distance makes it feel as though one of the biggest parts of me is gone. My heart aches in such a way, that the idea of being with him once again convinces me that I will be whole the moment our lips meet again. Each moment that we are apart feels like an eternity. Why are we where the other isn’t? The ferocity of this love augments itself and is duplicative by the second. We long for each other on both ends, in a way that I have never experienced in my life. Nothing about him has ever felt foreign. He was a stranger I immediately recognized and fell in love with before I touched his skin. There is something about us that parallels the other despite the distance. I experience this constant state of me too and sameness with him. I’ve heard of people say that they feel lonely at times even when people are around, I feel lucky in the way that I feel seen even in his absence. He is a constant presence and knows me in a profound way. I couldn’t hide myself from him even if I tried.

While the distance is crippling, the memories and ideas of what our next encounter will be occupies some time and fills my heart. The flash backs place instant smiles on my face. My heart races every time I replay his I love you in my ear. The memory of his smell and how he felt along my fingertips gives me solace. I know that with time and patience, those memories will be recreated. It is because of this distance I appreciate things in which others may take for granted. Sharing a meal, laying chest to chest, laughing about everything and nothing all at once. I wish I had the impetus to move time in our favor. Although I cannot, I have patience and strength and love. I have all of this and more, with him. I’m completely in love with this person that I would have never met, if not by fate. The tried and true cliche that, “everything happens for a reason,” is part of the solid foundation that our love stands on. When I sit back and think about all the things that had to take place in order for us to meet, there is no other explanation than we were meant to meet. . .to be.

It is true, I miss him. . .he is missing from me, but only temporarily. Soon, the memory of his kiss will be another vivid experience.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants

The Critical Line

Have you ever wondered what happens to your body when you hold your breath? I believe most of us have tried to figure out how long we can go without oxygen. We submerge ourselves in a pool and hold on to see and as much as it feels unnatural we try it anyways. Physically I can hold off a little over a minute before panic sets in. That panic feeling is the build up of carbon dioxide in your lungs triggering your nervous system to force a breath out. Your body recognizes that you can’t hold off any longer and once you’ve reached that critical line your body tries to protect you and force the carbon dioxide out and reintroduce you to oxygen.

But what happens when your heart has reached that critical line and it’s not time to come up for air? This unbearable distance feels like my diaphragm is fighting against me. Everyday feels like I’m a gasp away from the surface and maybe if I hope enough I’ll get to reach the top, see the sun in his eyes and feel like I’m back to life again. That is what it feels like on the worse days. When being away from him feels like an impossible task. Breathing is quite involuntary but at the same time my heart is clenched and my air supply is on low. My heart is in a constant race and I feel beside myself most of the time.

The distance is torment, but there are moments where I catch my breathe again. The sound of his voice, the look in his eyes, the memory of stolen glances feels like small gasps of air during these weeks in between the next embrace. There are moments, critical moments when I want to implode, I know I’ll see him again but it’s as if my body doesn’t recognize that as true. I’m physically impatient and unlike holding my breath under water, this isn’t some just because, I don’t want to know how long I can go without him.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants

1 + 1

It’s been almost two weeks since the kiss that changed everything for me. It made everything that felt like a dream my new reality. It was a perfect kiss that required no guidance. It felt as if I had kissed those lips before yet all at once it felt unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I still lie in bed looking at the ceiling wondering how this all happened. How of all the places and people in the world, I found this person that carries my whole entire world in his eyes. All of my questions are rhetorical, I don’t really need an answer as to why because being with him makes all the sense in the world. When I’m missing him I look at his pictures and it feels amazing to know he isn’t just words in a message or phone conversations. He is very real and has my heart gripped with the jaws of life that is his stare and embrace.

I replay all of our moments in my mind and sometimes the memories get so real that I forget he isn’t going to be here lying in the pillow next to me when I look to my left. I miss that sleepy little smile and the kisses on my forehead when I looked over at him. Our week together flew by in the blink of an eye. It’s the happiest I have ever been and I miss that feeling everyday. It’s arduous to be apart and feels impossible to handle but no matter the distance, the hope holds me through. Our day will come again and before I know it his hugs and kisses will be present and no longer just another memory.

Beautiful memories is what I have for now, moments I’ll never forget of our firsts and the nerves that led up to that first kiss. Two strangers in theory that felt like they knew each other a lifetime. I wouldn’t change a thing, the first face to face I love you and everything that followed. He is my happiness and my love. Nothing feels impossible when he is around.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants

Jigsaw

So I got my learners permit when I was 16 years old, I waited until it was about to expire nearly ten years later to finally take my driving test. I guess I have a little bit of performance anxiety and driving in front of someone scared the daylights out of me. Needless to say, I passed and it wasn’t as bad as I expected. However, what I got in return was a perspective that I hadn’t anticipated. I often think about this encounter and how much it helped me along the way.

When I showed up to take the test, I was presented with my instructor, he was an older gentleman named Kenneth. He was one of those types of people made for the job, he could tell I was nervous and did everything he could to calm me down before the drive. After passing and while taking my photograph for my license he asked, so when are you getting married? I looked at my hand and remembered I was recently engaged, about 5 months in. I said I wasn’t sure yet and proceeded with my paper work. He then said to me, “can you do me a favor?” I kind of looked at him like he had seven heads and offered me a line. Shortly after my blank stare he said, “when you get home, I want you to find a puzzle, one with as many pieces as you can find, tiny little pieces and ask that young man to sit with you. If he gets frustrated and gives up then you know he may not be right for you. But, if he sits there patiently and takes his time to match the pieces and get the puzzle done, if he cares about all the details and intricacies of the puzzle, then that is how he will be with you. He should be patient, and know that what he has is nothing short of a masterpiece.” I smiled and said, “okay.” He gave me a lot to think about, I have always had an old soul, so when the older population speaks, I tend to listen.

Somewhere between arriving at home that afternoon and dinner, I looked at my fiancé and said, “hey, we should do a puzzle,” to which he responded, “ugh, I hate puzzles.” Five months later, we broke up. Although that wasn’t the reason our relationship ended, I did find truth in the words of the wiseman. That relationship wasn’t the right one for me, for many reasons. I have felt complicated for the majority of my life and although most times I talk myself into believing I am not, there are still moments when I can’t help but to feel like an irregular shaped piece trying to find my place on the wrong puzzle.

I have come to realize it is hard for me to operate in the unknowns, it’s extremely difficult actually. I guess that’s what makes me complicated, the need for information and reassurance. When I’m confident in a situation and know my place, no one can shake me. . .but not knowing makes me an anxious set of circumstances and I don’t know how to not be this way. I realize I have this need to talk things to death so that I can understand them but not everyone operates this way. People aren’t elements on a periodic table, their thoughts aren’t black and white. Things often lie in the grey and although there is nothing wrong with that, I suppose I’m having a hard time trying to keep my spot in the gray without overthinking things. I find that I am worried about coming across as complicated and feeling like the same puzzle I used to feel like. I have many questions yet I’m not prepared for the answers to said questions. I’m willing to figure things out in time but I can’t help but worry that I may become exhausting in my need to know way of being.

PS I miss you

It’s been over 24 hours since I last kissed his lips and I feel lost. I felt important in his gaze, I felt safe and for the first time in my entire life I saw what love looked like when he was staring back at me. Sitting side by side wasn’t enough, I couldn’t be within arms reach without touching him. It was a constant reassurance that yes indeed he is here. Resting my head on his chest, interlocking my fingers with his, it was perfect. I could spend hours looking at him as a smile fluttered across his face every time he caught me staring. I already long for another moment where I was sitting across the table shy because everything about him captivated me. . .the shape and color of his eyes, his eye lashes, the look on his face when he would try to figure out what was on my mind. I miss it all. Some of my favorite moments were those seconds after a kiss when we caught our breath and rested our foreheads against the other. Kissing him was more than what I could have ever imagined, I can’t wait to experience those kisses again.

I try to operate in the positives and be thankful for what I have but today is proving to be profoundly difficult. We are worlds apart again after having had the most amazing week together. He makes me happy, in ways I never knew I needed. But I sit here hours away from the last hug and I feel like my heart is being pulled in a million directions. I left my heart in California and I don’t know when I’ll have it back. I’m sad because time wasn’t kind and the distance is brutal. It seems unfair.

For the first time in my life I gave way to my happiness and allowed it to be front and center. I knew there would be pain involved after the fact because longing for someone that holds every piece of you, having them and then having to walk away from them doesn’t make sense. His arms pulled together all of my imperfections and insecurities and cradled me into feeling perfect. Never was I too much or not enough. I guess it makes sense to hurt like you’ve never hurt before when you feel things you’ve never felt before and you love more than you’ve ever loved. I am morose sitting back in my reality in Florida. I am sure as the days go by things may begin to feel a little bearable, hope will reappear and I’ll be ready to be optimistic and thankful again. But right now, in this moment. . .my heart feels shattered. I miss his face, I miss his voice and the way his embrace made me feel at ease.

I love him with every part of me.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants

Day 0

We all have had those dreams, the kind that feel so real and perfect but just as they are about to get really good, the alarm goes off or the dog kicks you awake. It’s the morning after or the middle of the night and you clench your eyes hoping that you’d fall back into that dream but are never lucky enough for lightning to strike twice.

However when I woke up this time, not only did lightning strike twice. . .the dream became a beautiful reality. There are so many things I wish to say but no words can do justice to how I am feeling. I have scent memory and palpable history of his touch. I lie In bed with the pillow covered in his scent and the memory of us. He is familiar, he feels natural and above all else, he feels mine. Lying in bed with him feels like routine. As if life had already granted us a history we didn’t know about. For once, everything feels as it should be.

Before day zero, I was filled with all kinds of emotions. Excitement, anticipation, happiness, love, worry, joy and nerves to say the least. I had no idea what was going to happen. If we’d feel the same, if the pages of this book were no longer as captivating as they had once been. It wasn’t doubt I was just so worried about the possibility I may lose everything I gained in just a short three months, everything that meant so much, more than anything to me. Not by my doing but in some chance that I was no longer what he needed and wanted. That the chemistry would be off or something would happened that I couldn’t prepare or account for. I guess it’s natural for us to try to brace for impact and the worse case scenario. However, he is the best case. All this time I’ve been certain that he is the response to my unanswered question and I wasn’t wrong.

Leading up to now, I imagined what everything would be like, and as I expected everything was unlike what I could have ever imagined. It was better and amazing and nearly indescribable. . .but I’ll try.

He is my happiness. Seeing him smile makes my insides light up like the sun is beaming from deep within me. His embrace calms me in a way I had never felt before. My once racing mind has found a slower pace and sits in awe looking at him. I don’t have a million thoughts and worries because when I’m with him, I have everything I ever wanted within reach. Every moment with him is worthwhile. Even when he isn’t with me, he is. I close my eyes and I have the perfect memory of his kisses, of his soul colliding with mine. I’m in love with him, every part of me wants every part of him. He is my forever, my happiness, the reason why I’m hopeful. My life will never be the same again, I will never be the same again. Love has a new meaning to me, this is real love, true once in a lifetime type of love and all I want to do is run into it and fight for it at all cost.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants

The Blueprint

You have a taste of what life could be like loving and feeling down to your soul and you can’t help but to dream with enthusiasm. You start to imagine a life in the best possible outcome. You start splashing colors on the walls and hanging up photographs of the memories you’d like to have. You think of the inside jokes you have and of the laughs you have already shared and imagine how they’d hold up after decades together. You picture having everything with that one person. You are no longer okay with bare walls and a simple life. Despite how you crossed paths you dream a little dream and convince yourself that everything happens for a reason. That Karma could be you and despite its reputation, karma is also capable of giving people the good they deserve. Yet, despite my own dreams, I’ve been pulled down a bit to reality.

You ever wonder what happened before things change? Before the world you knew is no longer the world you know. It happens to us every time, in friendships and relationships when the hope is slightly pulled from under your feet and you lose a little bit of that childlike wonder. It’s like I was at the highest parts of the heavens and I jumped down knowing that I wanted to be caught by that one person waiting at the surface. But no one tells you that on the way down you may get caught by a tree branch and pieces of you will get snagged in the process by reality. That despite your desire to be completely free of restraints you start to realize that not all variables are controlled by you.

I guess that is where I am at, finding myself torn between being unchanged and fully open living in the blueprints of a dream. I altered myself and began to pace and mute myself just a little to mirror him. I can’t help it but the, “I am not ready,” changed the way that I went about things and I don’t like that. I fully understand where it was coming from and get it, whole heartedly. Admittedly, up until that point, I didn’t have expectations I was just all in no matter what. I had never been, “all in,” in my entire life, and for weeks on end even months, it felt amazing to be, “all in,” with him. To be free of the parts of me that tell myself not to go for it. I usually give myself to people in sips not swallows and here I was in full gulps. My feelings are unchanged I know how I feel but I also know that I reached a point where a pinch of my behavior changed because I thought it was no longer appropriate to carry on as I was. I was after all warned and I started to notice that some of the things I said weren’t reciprocated in the same enthusiasm as they had before. The I want everything’s and forever, seemed to have an undisclosed expiration date and started to feel painfully one sided. Was it warranted, or am I being unusually aware of my surroundings? Nonetheless I began to roll up the blueprints of my wildest dreams and started carrying them beside me. Not fully abandoning the dream but I guess to avoid looking at the intricacies of a future that may never be ascertained. However, I don’t like operating this way, pessimism is a close friend of negativity and none of what I feel for him is negative. It had always been and remains to be certainty. I am hoping that putting my thoughts in writing will clear my mind and help me move forward to be the way I was before the warning shot. Because despite taking the blow, I remain unchanged and all in no matter what.

If love is in fact chemistry or some form of chemical reaction, will my positive cancel out the negatives and even out the odds? This feeling of certainty reminds me that it could not be any more perfect. The work of true genius I suppose. Many people could not figure out some of the most brilliant souls in the universe, yet they still have an admiration and respect for them. Love is but another form of misunderstood genius. We sit at the mercy of the feeling and thrill that being in love gives us. Love is inexplicably addictive, and I had never had any vices until him. The love and happiness I feel at the sheer thought of him is what gets me by through this tumultuous countdown. Love has been what has emotionally carried me through this otherwise emotionally malnourished life. Love is that in which causes us to question the world as we knew it.

Looking at the eyes of someone that is not bound by lineage, friendship or ties and imagining a complete life with them in a split second is the work of something else. I can’t help it if I am the type of person that allows themselves to be carried away by the dream. Especially if that dream could carry your future in his eyes.

Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants