It’s what I do best

I write so often that I forget to speak. I feel through pen and paper as my heart beats out of my un-healed chest. 

People tell you it’ll get better but who’s to really tell how long it takes to pull yourself together after a heart break. 

You meet new people and you find renewed hope in their smile. They charm you into believing they are there to fix the gaping hole that replaced a once whole heart.

See I met someone recently who was kind, he was pretty amazing but he’s the guy who grows on you. He is the guy that time gives to your heart. It’s not instantaneous, it’s not at first site. It’s sweet and eventually you know can be love. But it’s ordinary and I just don’t feel like fighting for ordinary.

Immediately after his absence I wandered back into those moments when I said forever and I meant it. The only problem is that I didn’t tell him forever. My forever looked much different. He was a tall distant and unattainable forever. . .and even though he is no longer within reach, I find myself drifting off to the moment where we stood in the dark skin to skin, feeling down to our bare bones. I remember the spark of electricity that rocked me to my core, so much so that I almost cried. As my past held me and just as his lips left mine he whispered in the dark, “it’s okay.” In those moments I allowed my soul to escape me as it embraced every part of him. I knew, this is it. That was the moment that people kill for, that is something most will never feel and I did once, and I’m afraid to admit I may never again. 

I was driving last night. It is one of my favorite things to do because I can think and clear my mind. Unfortunately there is no distance in this world that will allow me to outrun the love I have for this man. It is inescapable, it is powerful and more than anything I ever felt, it is painful. When you meet someone you have no idea what they will mean to you, or how they will impact your life. I in many ways wish I had never met him. It is only because of my present that I wish for such things. It hurts and I don’t know how to fix myself. I wish I could put back all of the little pieces that so willingly threw themselves open for him. My heart is lacking and its pulsating and pumping to the rhythm of an open wound.

I feel like I am living two lives. The one where everything is just peachy and I work and work and work towards my goals but then there is this other me, the me I am when I am sulking in the solace of a broken heart. There are moments when I sit with my back against the wall and I think of his scent and I kid myself into believing I can draw a perfect memory of him. I touch my lips and I frown because the only reciprocity I have is that of my cold fingertips against my anguished smile. I hold my hands against my chest and I realize there is nothing there but pieces of anatomy. My heart is working but it is very much missing the one who once made it jump out of my chest.

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It is indefinitely indefinite
How long it takes
Moments to fall
But years to fix the break
Thirty one million-
Five hundred thirty six thousand seconds
It is about time, don’t you think?
For my soul to have mended

It has been too long
Enough to heal a break but I am not sure why
I think it will take longer to make
The desperate palpitations of his mention
To cease and resist without the thought of his reflection after a kiss
It may take another eight thousand seven hundred sixty hours
To take back what took but moments to devour

It has been five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Since the last time I embraced our love, moments before it diminished
Three hundred sixty five days
Fifty two weeks

And still I can’t imagine a lifetime without you making me weak in the knees

By: Me (Johanna Arroyo 8/13/2013)

The Pillar

Proud and built with a smile

She stands tall

For a little while

Her faith is wavered

Her hope is weak

Her pain is a badge

Only for her to keep

Through tumultuous pains

Uneven and weathered

She clings to her heart

Hoping it gets better

For strangers

She’s solid, unbroken and meek

Yet on her shoulders she holds the world

Without a budge or a blink

In plain sight

She puts up no fight

Hoping that people believe she’s alright

Too proud for her weakness

She broadens her smile

She knows how to do it

She’s done it for a while

Tears are crippled behind her stare

Nothing out of place

Not even her hair

Very put together

Polished and complete

Stands the little brown girl from the pillar

Who fought for love and had to retreat

Broken

We can be
the greatest love story
ever told
over the moon
Out of the park
One in a million
Kind of spark

I want you
to claim you

To love you

To trust me

To give you the world

But painfully reminiscent
of a life you once held
are the words

I wish to guarantee

If only
you’d clear the memory of her
for this world with me

I fear that because you fear
what is unknown
that you fail to see
what can be done
with some hope
of our own

Through foggy mirrors you fear me
for nothing of my doing
you break it before
you buy it
a firm no
refusing to try it

Yes what once was forever
became short and brief
it entailed happiness
and ended in grief

Victim to her trigger
suddenly shattered

Broken and battered
and no longer the man
that once mattered

I see through the panes of your soul
screaming from your eyes
this sad story

Once lived and never told

Our souls collide
every time our lips meet
forever happy
is just within reach

I see you
for what you were
who you are
and what you will be
broken, healing
and complete