“I May Be a Little Bit of a [Love] Dealer!”

I sat and looked at this blank screen for a while, trying to make it into something. Blank pages almost seem like a brand new start. I can take things where I want to, to a place I have never been before. I guess the same can be said about new relationships, or I suppose the development of a friendship that could become something tangible. So you give it a go, you take a step forward. There stands this person with a blank slate, you know nothing about them and you very quickly and easily decide this one is going to be different. The risk will be worth taking because it is something you have never tried before. . .but see the difference is when I write, I can take things exactly where I want to but in matters of the heart, I am left with very little choice. Before taking my most recent leap of faith, my giddy little heart whispered, “you break you buy.”

Well,where are we now?

We. . .me & my heart

. . .long story short, you get what you pay for. I won’t say that I am heart broken but I can say I feel like I am at a loss. Every time we take a photo, a little bit of us goes away with it.  That memory and moment captured will never be duplicated in life again. Much like the warm embraces and quick glances shared among two people. They go away and cease to exist when you’ve parted ways.

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The One Who Will Always Love You

I learned a lesson the other night.

Actually, I learned several.

I have gone through some pretty painful shitty heart breaking moments but I learned from them. I also have made some boldfaced statements even promises of eternal love.

I’ll love you forever.
I will always love you.
We are meant to be.

The list can go on and on.

The thing about the statements is that at the moment, I could not have been more sure. Love is the type of feeling that forgets the past and makes you believe that the future only lies in the present. I love you now, and because I love you now, I will love you forever.

Hmm…I mean yes I can and will love someone forever but to the people I was never meant to spend forever with, I am sorry I placed that burden on you.

The other night I was talking to the guy who will love me forever. We caught up just as we do every couple of months. We talk, we laugh and recycle all our stories. We touch on the basics of friends and children and agree to hangout and never do. See there is this burden that I placed upon myself to treat him with kindness because he loves me. Will I love him? Not as he loves me. I love our friendship, I love the memories but I will never love beyond that.

When I am alone and thinking, just as I did that night after our conversation, I wished he could be the one. I wished that my heart would open up to the idea of loving him. Why? Because he’s that unfaltering lighthouse in the middle of the ocean. He will always remain at the distance hoping you’d see him when you’re lost. He is the type of person who makes you laugh, who looks good on paper but who doesn’t ignite any spark within you.

He is the type of person who deserves respect, not pity. He deserves the bluntest of honesty. He deserves to know that his friendship has been wonderful but that it is not love. He deserves the right to live his life without the hope that one day he will be seen under a different light.

He deserves to be free from hope.

He reminds me of myself many times before. Never giving up and hoping and loving someone in the hopes that they’d commit to me. I thought I could wear them down into monogamy and into loving me forever. I now recognize the looks, the I wish I could look, the poor you I will never be ready for you look. I finally understand because here I am, looking at my future and knowing all too well it does not include this friend of mine, because I can never be in love with him, even if he can love me the way I want to be loved.