Sometimes I wonder if people ever give love a serious thought, no not a shot, a thought. Do they ever really ask themselves, “What kind of love do you want (self)?” Many years ago, I was one of those people who thought she had this whole love gig figured out, but I had never really asked myself what I wanted and when I knew. . .I was afraid. . .very very afraid.
When I was a kid, I saw everything black and white. I always felt there was wrong or right nothing in between. . .but things are actually blurred, grey, shady. . .what have you. The thing is that blurred, grey and shady aren’t always the worse things in the world they just indicate that not all things have a clean cut.
There is so much love going on in my world right now but I am still without that scary I am in love type love I decided I couldn’t live without and I know why. I have been loved deeply but I didn’t love back, I have loved deeply and it also was not reciprocated. Love has become so overused that it’s lost it’s true meaning. I love you…there I said it…but I don’t know you.
I love my son for none and a million reasons.
I love my puppy
I love myself
I love my car and the fact that I named it Dexter Dempsey
I love love
Yup that’s me, a bleeding little heart full of love. I dish it out so often I’m starting to realize I can’t take it.
Love is the best feeling in the world It’s a simple premise. We all want to be loved but very little thought goes into the type of love we deserve, sometimes or maybe all the time, we find the love we need!
I’m not just talking about the in love type of love that we’re programmed from birth to attain. I speak of love of life and everything in between inception and expiration.
I don’t write this little blog for the fun of it, heck I don’t even get paid (yet), Sometimes I write to deaf ears because I have a passion for writing. I am in love with the fact that my ideas or thoughts could inspire others or at a bare minimum entertain. This is my first love as it relates to careers but I have a second passion, social work and helping others, which fortunately pays the bills. With that being said I’ve worked for so long that I started to realize my love life sucked. There was rarely any love in this life. See when you work for a paycheck some things just don’t add up. When your kid is afraid to approach you because you look busy, that’s not love. The obligation of work goes without saying but how often are we walking into work shooting rainbows? I for one deserve to be happy at work, I need a paycheck, yes. . .but see the difference is the need and deserve thoughts. I found myself in a dilemma, my son was getting the short end of the stick, more work and less one on one time with him. More stress, more overtime and the hours I robbed from my son could only be flexed out during the hours that my son was already away from me. He and I could never get that time back. So I asked myself, “what kind of love do you want Johanna?” The answer is and always will be, “I want that can’t live without you kind of love,” a paycheck I can live without, but my sons happiness I could never do without. So I am doing what I know is right, I am fighting for my love.
Then there is the complicated relationship love. This type has challenged me in many ways. See, when you aren’t in love with a passion or a career you may be able to quit it, you can save up and plan ahead for the time in between your finding success but you can never plan ahead for the type of love that pulls on two heartbeats. There are people who come into your life that feel like they’ve left impressions of tip toes on your heart and others have done the cupid shuffle on you but all those grey feelings amount to something.
Some people are passers by and then there is that one person you tell your grandchildren about, that inescapable, pause before you say the next phrase as you smile and think about how amazing falling in love was type person. I want that love.
I don’t want the right here right now, I don’t want the you’re perfect but the timing is wrong, I can’t stand the let’s just see what happens type love. I want love. . .the type of love that comes with knowing you are the world to someone. That is a love I have yet to experience. I’ve experienced inconvenience, not ready for you, maybe there is better, what if I am missing out on something better type of love. . .those all pale in comparison to true love. These loves were preempted by needs, not what I truly deserved.
To me, love is knowing you’re enough, not an afterthought.
That is why I love myself because, I. Am. Enough.