I write so often that I forget to speak. I feel through pen and paper as my heart beats out of my un-healed chest. People tell you it’ll get better but who’s to really tell how long it takes to pull yourself together after a heart break. How do you fix something that grew to such a magnitude in such a fraction of time? How do you explain the inexplicable? They. . .people, the doubters, will never understand.
You meet new people and you find renewed hope in their eyes. They charm you into believing they are there to fix the gaping hole that replaced a once whole heart. Yet here I am, bleeding out again, and this time, unlike ever before. Immediately after his absence I wandered back into those moments when I said forever and I meant it. My forever looked much different. He is a distant and unattainable forever. . .and even though he has always been far, this is final and painful. I find myself drifting off to the moments I laid in the dark from across the country feeling him down to my bare bones. I remember the spark of electricity that rocked me to my core when we said I love you. In those moments I allowed my soul to escape me as it embraced every part of him. I knew, this is it. That was the moment that people hope for, something most will never feel and I did. . .I do. It’s so powerful it hurts. I sit upright with this fake smile on my face and I’m empty. I had never felt so whole in my life and fulfilled by love but here I am just days after completely baron. In the blink of a scared eye, I shed an ugly light on myself and ruined every hopeful possibility. I hurt the heart of the one I swore to protect and obliterated my own in the same panic.
I was driving last night. It is one of my favorite things to do because I can think and clear my mind. I sat distraught in my car and shed inconsolable tears so that when I was ready I could walk into my home and pretend that I was not falling apart. Unfortunately there is no distance in this world that will allow me to outrun the love I have for this man. It is inescapable, it is powerful and more than anything I ever felt, it is painful. When you meet someone you have no idea what they will mean to you, or how they will impact your life. I in many ways wish I had never met him, only because of the excruciating pain I am in. I miss it all, the laughter, the love, the fabricated fantasies we had that would never become true. Even the stupid disagreements. He made me happy and now I’m dejected back into the reality that is life without him while fully knowing someone like him exists. It hurts and I don’t know how to fix myself. I wish I could put back all of the little pieces that so willingly threw themselves open for him. My heart is lacking and its pulsating and pumping to the rhythm of an open wound.
I feel like I am living two lives. The one where everything is just peachy and I work and come home and I’m that same hopeful person I have always been but then there is this other me, the me I am when I am sulking in the solace of a broken heart. There are moments when I sit with my back against the wall and I think of his eyes and I kid myself into believing I can draw a perfect memory of him. I touch my lips and I frown because the only reciprocity I have is that of my cold fingertips against my anguished smile, my lips will never know his. I hold my hands against my chest and I realize there is nothing there but pieces of anatomy. My heart is working but it is very much missing the one who once made it jump out of my chest. How in such an ellipses in time could I have loved to the point of my own detriment. As impossible as it seemed it happened in two hearts that lived on the same pages for a short run. I was foolish and jumped ahead only to lose it all.
To never hold that face in my palms, or hear a last I love you, that is my pain. No more giggles and silly, “what up tho,” I took these days for granted because I thought there was always going to be a tomorrow. The what if that will remain unanswered is all I have left. One day I know I’ll smile and be thankful for no matter the brevity, that I had a love so powerful. That day is not today, I am but a vessel of a woman, empty and angry because I am broken over the one that never belonged to me outside of my heart.
Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants.