Why

When I was a little girl, my father made decisions that would alter my life forever. His choices ultimately left me a fatherless daughter. That was a void that almost no one could fill. I don’t remember it all but I remember minor details prior to his departure. I was a daddy’s girl. I resembled him in spirit and in my appearance. There is no denying I am my fathers daughter if you’d have looked at us but he was up and away before he could leave a lasting impression. At 14 months of age my grandfather Felix became an integral part of my life. As the time went on I became a grandpa’s girl and the semblance of my father in my smile was all that remained of my father.

Over the years I convinced myself that I did not need my father because my grandfather Felix was the only man I felt I needed. Grandpa raised a good girl, a tough girl and helped heal a very broken little girl. I wish I could repay grandpa for everything he has done for me but I know all too well that if he were around he wouldn’t take as much as a moment away from me.

There are so many things that I didn’t learn from my father Jose that I was able to learn from grandpa Felix however there are so many things that shall remain unlearned and undone.

Last week I went to a wedding, it was beautiful and filled me with so much joy. I witnessed two wonderful people joining their lives and I felt honored to be in their presence. Yet, not everything was happy tears. There are those moments when you realize you are not as okay as you’d like to be with the hand you’ve been dealt. I am in the habit of recognizing the positives but once in a while I do think about the things I will never have, by no doing of my own of course. . .those very things stripped of me because of other peoples decisions.

I have always thought of the day I will get married, who will give me away, what my dress will look like, how my hair will be, the list goes on and on. As a little girl I always imagined that my grandfather would give me away, not realizing that he was going to leave me before he’d be given the opportunity. He passed away when I was 13 and after that my idea of a wedding changed a bit. I have some wonderful brothers whom I know would be elated to give me away and I actually look forward to that.

I take everything as it comes and while I made adjustments in my mind about what I picture for my perfect day, there is a moment I over looked. I sat at my friends wedding and soon after being introduced as Mr. and Mrs. for the first time, they began to dance as a newly married couple. I stood there with tears in my eyes as they sang to one another. It was incredibly sweet and then the groom passed the bride to his father for the father daughter dance. See, I do not know why her dad wasn’t there but at that moment I realized I wasn’t alone.

I didn’t sign up for a fatherless life but still on my wedding day I will be at a loss; I will not dance with my father and it crushed me that night when I realized it. The whole wedding is supposed to be special and the thought of not having my father dance with me at my wedding (whenever that may be) brought me to more than tears that night.

I cannot control everything that happens but I can try to make sure that history does not repeat itself. I have a responsibility to raised a good man. Everyday I instill morals and values into my son. I teach him to never lie, cheat or steal and to always be a boy of his word, until he grows up and becomes a man of his word. He is kind, he is compassionate and even though I know he cannot be perfect I am doing my best to make sure that he knows how wonderful it feels to be his mother. I do everything I do, all in the hopes that one day no one in his care will have to alter their life because of his deliberate absence.

I know how much it hurt to self sooth, I know what it is like to raise yourself and I feel I am a stronger person for it, but honestly sometimes I wish I had a parent to turn to. After all we are always going to be someone’s child and what child doesn’t need guidance from their parent?

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The Pillar

Proud and built with a smile

She stands tall

For a little while

Her faith is wavered

Her hope is weak

Her pain is a badge

Only for her to keep

Through tumultuous pains

Uneven and weathered

She clings to her heart

Hoping it gets better

For strangers

She’s solid, unbroken and meek

Yet on her shoulders she holds the world

Without a budge or a blink

In plain sight

She puts up no fight

Hoping that people believe she’s alright

Too proud for her weakness

She broadens her smile

She knows how to do it

She’s done it for a while

Tears are crippled behind her stare

Nothing out of place

Not even her hair

Very put together

Polished and complete

Stands the little brown girl from the pillar

Who fought for love and had to retreat

The Pink Slip

No matter how hard we try in life, all of our relationships end up much like a career. No one knows in the beginning how a relationship is going to end. However; at some point things take a different turn. We realize that we are no longer interested in that job. Or that you are doing more than you are getting paid for. In some instances we start a job as a means to an end or as a stepping stone to our true career path. No matter the situation I have come to realize that no matter how amicable the ending is. No matter how much all parties agree to disagree, there is always going to be water cooler talk. Someone is always going to say there was foul play regardless of what the individuals say out loud. In the end the truth always comes out, whether you are a slacker and are just getting by until the bitter end. No matter how insignificant your job is, it will always be the next step toward improving yourself and getting closer to what you really want.