Father of the teen

I am so grateful for my late night bouts with insomnia. There is this world that has yet to be discovered that only reaches the light of day in the most deepest and darkest of nights. During the day I am a myriad of thoughts and emotions, which are rarely expressed in their totality. We are too busy to reflect and feel so as a result I find myself in darkness facing the ceiling with my back against the mattress sifting through years of thought through dark passages at night. I get paid to work & have to be super mom. . .it is in those moments that I forget the small stuff.
But here I am, sweating the small stuff because I realize in just a moments notice they can all be gone. These small wonderful things that we take for granted are not promised.
I am a mother. . .a single mother by technicality because I have never been wed, however I am also the other half of a parental duo. My life would be so different if I had not met the one other person responsible for me becoming a mother; my son’s father.
I look at my son and he is the age I was when I met his dad and it’s crazy. I wonder if Jonathan has met someone at this young age who will eventually change his life completely? I guess I will not know until I know. 
Father’s Day is here and while I pride myself in being an excellent mother, I wouldn’t be that if not because of the shared responsibility of my son’s father. There have been moments where being an ok mom had to be good enough. There are times when we are so clouded with responsibility that we can’t realize we can do better, and that is where no one has failed me. Jon’s dad is one of those parents that rolls with the punches, he’s taken a couple of south paws from me and I of him. We keep each other on our toes. Somewhere from inception to present day we have devised a friendship that is unbreakable. We are not perfect people, but we are perfectly constructed parents for Jonathan. We are human but most importantly we are friends. Father’s Day is so important to me. Jon’s dad and I did not come from a nuclear family. We had mom, kid(s), and grandpa(ma). The dad in our family portrait was not present and yet I sit in awe because of how we turned out. I admire him for who he is because of his journey and I am forever thankful for his presence in Jonathan’s life. 
I hear horror stories, child support stories, jealousy stories and every other story in between. There is no jealousy. The only child support we require is the emotional support of one another to our son. The horror in the story for me is when people ask the monetary questions and the divisive questions that quite frankly are none of their business. “How much does he give you?” Well to be clear. . .My sons relationship with his father is not dictated by monetary compensation. It is strictly determined by my sons need to be with his incredibly involved and loving father, and vice versa. We share a child, not own him. I realize that our life and arrangements are unrealistic however I wish more people were like us. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, as to suggest that we have it all figured out, however the proof is in our son’s eyes.
My son does not see his parents fight and rip each other to shreds. Instead when in the same room he sees his parents joke and get along. He sees us sitting side by side in conference night agreeing on how we should discipline him, teach him and guide him as he turns into the young man we wish he’d be. We do not have to be in a relationship to have a normal friendship or relationship after our couple life collapsed. We collaborate and sincerely wish the best for one another because if as individuals we attain the best then as parents the sky is the limit. Happy parents happy kid. . .it. Is. That. Simple.
If you’ve gotten this far you’re probably wondering why. . .why am I dwelling on this?
Today I had the privilege of helping out in the community. It’s been a little over two years since I left social work and because of that I do not have the opportunity to reflect as much as I used to about the things that go on in the world. There are so many negative things happening lately and they all circle around race and indifference. I’m not blind to realize it but I do refuse to look directly at the sun because it’s going to burn. However today reminded me of how much I have. I wish I could do more, sincerely, but the truth of the matter is that I struggle to make a difference in my own circle. It’s hard to find the time or to spare the money it takes to help others, so I pay with my greatest contribution, which is in raising my son properly and giving society another wonderful human being. 
I wish him to be kind and understanding, to never look down on others and to always see the bright side in everything. I hope that no matter how dark the path may be that he is guided by the light and love his father and I have shed upon him. I want nothing more than for him to reflect in his darkest hours about how life can be bright so long as you continue to shed light on the world. I do not raise him to believe any profession, sexual orientation, gender, or race is any worse than the other but I do raise him to believe he is better than that. . .”that” in which people assume he will become. He is no statistic. He is not a Latino kid from a broken home. He is not this socially deemed underdog with the odds stacked against him. He is a person.
Every day I see the fruits of our labor. This little person who now has a heart of gold and who makes our lives so full. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be this little persons mom but most importantly I am thankful for his dad. Thanks for checking in even when it is not your week, for never disappearing, for always returning calls, for cleaning up messy diapers, for teasing him, for making him smile, for making him laugh, for teaching him how to own up to his mistakes and for showing him how to do the things I can’t. Thank you for having many jobs but making sure this one is your best! Thank you for being his father. 


Thank you, come again!

I go about my daily routines without a sitch. Morning, Jon to School, work, home and bed. . .It is the day to day. For me it gets boring at times and I begin to wonder. . .how did I get here. . .It is natural for me and practically everyone in the world to be driven by negativity and to often see more of that bad and ignore the good.

September felt like the month that was never going to end and then I finally went on vacation. I spent 2 weeks in Canada with my family. One week I was with Jaybird. . .Jean Gagne. Jay is one of my favorite people in the world because he understands what it is like to be a Jo-hanna. Jay and I had a good time eating and looking around. Its a shame thought that I had to travel outside of the country to have a friend like Jay around again. This brings me to the same place of wondering where has everyone gone? I remeber spending late nights playing games and talking to friends and now it seems like the world is too busy to sit down and catch up.

While in Canada I also had some time with my older brother Richard. When I went to California over a year ago we did not have much time because he was busy working and such. This trip was fruitful, I was able to get to know him better and meet my nephew Alexandro. Who is one of the cutest babies ever!! I had fun getting to know everyone and spending time with a family that enjoys eachothers company. My sister in law Olga and her sister were great compnay when Richard went back home. . .but before my trip was over I was able to attend my nephews baptism, something I would have never imagined possible. I sat in the reception while my brother and his wife danced to a song they dedicated to their son. It was amazing and I was overwhelmed with happiness because of what it meant. This meant that I finally found my brother, that I could say that no matter what details I have yet to complete in life. . .he is here and I am grateful for that.

I have been back home now for a couple of weeks and the Canada high is gone. I have been back to the same day to day boring. Well or so I thought. It is easy to say life is boring but do nothing about it. I have my moments when I forget what is important. This Saturday was an opportunity for me to snap myself back into perspective. Life does not have to be full of fireworks to be bright. Life is full of those moments that carry you on to the next.

Saturday after Jonathans soccer game I decided to take a road trip with my two favorite boys. Jon, Joe and I packed up snacks and got in the car to support Georgi’s daughters event in Kissimee (Side note: Georgi is my car dealer, his daughter drowned when she was under 1yr). We arrived to Blackstone Landing Community to a family day of balloons, bounce houses for the kids, food and raffles. Georgi was collecting money to continue treatments for his daughter who is now about 3 years old. I drove there happy and proud of myself because I was able to go and help support. While I was there I realized some of the things I take for granted and some of my worste habbits lately.

While I sat at the table I saw Georgi cooking. He was happy to see that we came what seemed to him a distance from Tampa to support his daughter. I was happy to be there no matter the distance. After a while of sitting there I started thinking and shamefully judging. Here I was supporting someone and I began to have my own reasons and excuses. In reality the truth of support is that we must not agree entirely with what people choose to do with their lives. If I choose to be a doctor for example it is not up to someone else to decide if I have it in me. . .it is up to them to just be at my side if and when things go wrong. This brings me back to Georgi and his daughter. Midway through the event Georgi brought his daughter around and I realized how sick she was. I was sad and truly uncomfortable seeing her there. I felt terrible and began to wonder was I doing the right thing supporting him and his journey with his daughter. I began to judge and I was wrong.

Georgi finally came to my table with his daughter and explained to me that when Gory drowned she was pronounced dead. The doctors worked on her and after what seemed an eternity they declared her dead and said nothing else could be done. Georgi and his wife were devastated and had faith and hope. Shortly after being pronounced dead Gory began to show life signs and was immediately taken via helicoptor to another hospital. . .and from there her story has grown. Georgi looked at us with tears in his eyes as he expained his story and he completed it with, “you sit here and you do not understand and I understand that but I, I understand why I am here. I understand why I am here with her.” That hit me like a ton of bricks and put me in my place. He was right. I will never understand why some people do what they do. I may never understand peoples decisions yet it is not really my call. I have no right to understand that his love for his daughter is what keeps him everyday. I was never lucky enough to have a father to give his world just to see a smile on his daughters face. I may never understand but I support him and that is what I needed to do yesterday.

I am lucky to be at a place where I can grow from life. I took a lot of things for granted. The family that regardless of what I do, they do not understand but they support me. The family that I support no matter what they do in life regardless of how they have treated me or let me down. I always did things for others because it made me happy. I help others as often as I could no matter what. No matter if people stare down on you and repay you with betrayal and do not appreciate what you do. I will continue to do what has come natural to me. I have to get back to basics and stop expecting so much.

What I thought was a boring day turns out to be days that I can sit back and watch life. I listen to my son play in the background and realize that some people do not have their children. I have a little brother who takes notice when I am feeling less than myself. I realize that I do not need to go across the world to be with people that make me happy and smile. Those people, that life full of smiles in Canada is an addition to an already complete simple life. Loneliness is after all a feeling. . .why be lonely in a place that has so much promice.

We are far from Thanksgiving but I have to say that I am thankful to you all. . .everyone and anyone who takes a moment to kneel in and read a moment of my life. . .

I love you all!! 🙂