You have a taste of what life could be like loving and feeling down to your soul and you can’t help but to dream with enthusiasm. You start to imagine a life in the best possible outcome. You start splashing colors on the walls and hanging up photographs of the memories you’d like to have. You think of the inside jokes you have and of the laughs you have already shared and imagine how they’d hold up after decades together. You picture having everything with that one person. You are no longer okay with bare walls and a simple life. Despite how you crossed paths you dream a little dream and convince yourself that everything happens for a reason. That Karma could be you and despite its reputation, karma is also capable of giving people the good they deserve. Yet, despite my own dreams, I’ve been pulled down a bit to reality.
You ever wonder what happened before things change? Before the world you knew is no longer the world you know. It happens to us every time, in friendships and relationships when the hope is slightly pulled from under your feet and you lose a little bit of that childlike wonder. It’s like I was at the highest parts of the heavens and I jumped down knowing that I wanted to be caught by that one person waiting at the surface. But no one tells you that on the way down you may get caught by a tree branch and pieces of you will get snagged in the process by reality. That despite your desire to be completely free of restraints you start to realize that not all variables are controlled by you.
I guess that is where I am at, finding myself torn between being unchanged and fully open living in the blueprints of a dream. I altered myself and began to pace and mute myself just a little to mirror him. I can’t help it but the, “I am not ready,” changed the way that I went about things and I don’t like that. I fully understand where it was coming from and get it, whole heartedly. Admittedly, up until that point, I didn’t have expectations I was just all in no matter what. I had never been, “all in,” in my entire life, and for weeks on end even months, it felt amazing to be, “all in,” with him. To be free of the parts of me that tell myself not to go for it. I usually give myself to people in sips not swallows and here I was in full gulps. My feelings are unchanged I know how I feel but I also know that I reached a point where a pinch of my behavior changed because I thought it was no longer appropriate to carry on as I was. I was after all warned and I started to notice that some of the things I said weren’t reciprocated in the same enthusiasm as they had before. The I want everything’s and forever, seemed to have an undisclosed expiration date and started to feel painfully one sided. Was it warranted, or am I being unusually aware of my surroundings? Nonetheless I began to roll up the blueprints of my wildest dreams and started carrying them beside me. Not fully abandoning the dream but I guess to avoid looking at the intricacies of a future that may never be ascertained. However, I don’t like operating this way, pessimism is a close friend of negativity and none of what I feel for him is negative. It had always been and remains to be certainty. I am hoping that putting my thoughts in writing will clear my mind and help me move forward to be the way I was before the warning shot. Because despite taking the blow, I remain unchanged and all in no matter what.
If love is in fact chemistry or some form of chemical reaction, will my positive cancel out the negatives and even out the odds? This feeling of certainty reminds me that it could not be any more perfect. The work of true genius I suppose. Many people could not figure out some of the most brilliant souls in the universe, yet they still have an admiration and respect for them. Love is but another form of misunderstood genius. We sit at the mercy of the feeling and thrill that being in love gives us. Love is inexplicably addictive, and I had never had any vices until him. The love and happiness I feel at the sheer thought of him is what gets me by through this tumultuous countdown. Love has been what has emotionally carried me through this otherwise emotionally malnourished life. Love is that in which causes us to question the world as we knew it.
Looking at the eyes of someone that is not bound by lineage, friendship or ties and imagining a complete life with them in a split second is the work of something else. I can’t help it if I am the type of person that allows themselves to be carried away by the dream. Especially if that dream could carry your future in his eyes.
Je t’aimerai pour toujours mes yeux brillants