This week has been the culmination of a long month since I was last seen at the doctor. I went in for my first mammogram somewhat early because of my families history with Cancer. Back in 2024 I was admitted in the hospital for the same reasons — high risk colon cancer concerns. From that point on I thought I had been taking decent care of my health. Fast forward to last month. I got results from said mammogram, they were unclear. Which naturally made me nervous. I have 2 aunts that have had mastectomy’s within the last year. My brother died from colon cancer, my sister had lumps removed and my grandfather died from esophageal cancer. I wanted to be positive but I couldn’t help but to think it’s my turn. Jonathan is 2 weeks away from moving, so I didn’t want to warn him because I did not want him to change his plans. Eventually I opted to let him know, because if things did turn out bad, I wouldn’t want to spring it on him abruptly. I went in on Monday for a repeat mammogram and an ultrasound on the left side. After being there for what seemed forever, they couldn’t find anything that explained why my left breast showed asymmetries from the right. They confirmed that I had no mass, cysts or sonographic findings. I have to come back every six months to monitor and make sure there are no changes. I can breathe a sigh of relief but I can’t help but to be irrationally upset. For a month I’ve had to console and comfort myself, much like I have had to do my whole life. No words of reassurance, no we can handle no matter comes our way. Nothing. Everything that I have gone through I have done alone and it made me realize that it will be like this forever. I feel like a flower that has lost its color looking for a glimmer of sunlight to make it feel alive again.