So everyone parents differently, I see it, I ingest it and I don’t judge it, because I parent differently. I come from a place where he and I—he, being my son—have grown up together. He has been there through some of my biggest heart breaks but most importantly and thankfully he has been there for some of my greatest achievements. He has yet to fully realize it but he is a walking, talking achievement and medal of honor of mine. God do I love this kid!

No matter how old I get, I will always have been a teen parent. Emerging as a mother in secrecy while I closely embraced him. I wrapped my arms around my womb not knowing what was going to happen next. He and I always had a connection, from the moment I knew of his existence in me I knew he was, a he. I hold him so dear to me that I want to do everything with him. If I am laughing I want him to laugh, if he is worried, I wish to absorb it all. This type of transparency comes at a cost but it has made us stronger.

I do my best to be fully me at all times. Though some exceptions are made, I rather not make apologies for who I am. I am in fact quite fond of me, however, there are things that I have found aren’t meant for precious cargo’s ears. You see, he has taken on my life as if it were his own as well. It is sweet but I know how overwhelming it can be to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I have taken a moment to place the world next to me on the couch as I write this here blog just to give the shoulders a break but. . .believe me. . .I know.

Having him around constantly give me very little room to disguise anything and I feel bad for that. I do not wish to be the perfect mother, I just feel guilty at times for letting my human show.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions good, bad or ugly on my face. I used to have such a strong poker face but that also gets exhausting. The act of holding things in and keeping it together. Once in a while I want the allowance to freak out and maybe cry because I have told myself I can reach the insurmountable but insurmountable hurts, insurmountable takes time, insurmountable takes patience and dedication but ultimately insurmountable will be worth it.

So the kid has seen a little of everything. I snap, I weep, I laugh, I get excited. He is there in every raw moment, 95% of the time I am living happily in every moment. The other 5% I am a babbling brook wishing I had someone to just embrace me and say, “it’s ok, I got it.” People want relationships or connections with people for many reasons. Some want stability, some seek to be rescued but what I have come to realize is the only thing I wish for is the embrace, the support, and the belief in me. Truthfully there are days where I feel like I am making the wrong decision, sometimes I want to quit for the day. . .just for the day. I would like to crawl into bed and come back rejuvenated. Those type of things are harder when you are alone. Finding the will in your darkest hour requires so much umph when the only voice you hear is the little one inside telling you, “you can do this.”

I have family which I love but they support me so much that they Know how ferocious I can be and even when I need it, they refuse to let me cower. I think cowering is good for us at times. Cowering makes us take a step back to breathe and come back with more ferocity than before.