Sunday

Hello friend. . .I guess it’s been a long time since I checked in or had anything to say, but life was good. I didn’t have any pent-up dear diaries to express, but here I am.

It’s been a week since she passed away and I don’t know when the grief will begin to subside. We spent over a decade together, inseparable. Every time there was a knock at the door, she barked; this new silence is deafening. She was my first stop before the trash when we had leftovers, she was the last one I said goodnight to for the night. She was my little bit of organized chaos in one. 

They say you will never know love until you experience it from a dog, and I can see why. She loved me without condition. I used to say I didn’t want any little dogs because I was the big dog type, yet here I am scrambling to fill the enormous void left behind by her absence. When I used to be alone, her tiny embrace was all I needed. I cannot even begin to count the number of tears her little ears caught as they rolled down my face, back when life was different and all I had was her and my boys.

Life is new and fuller than ever and now that she is gone, I cannot help but feel guilt for having to find ways to squeeze her into my life within the past few years, especially when my world used to revolve around her. I love my family and the life I am blessed with, but I am sorry that there never seemed to be enough time for her. In the days before her passing she was different, frail, and getting weaker. I had a feeling she was going to pass, so I planned to have a special day with her and to cuddle with her like I used to. But tomorrow never came and on that night when I found her sad little body had given up, I was devastated. 

I know that I can’t feel guilt forever and that I should and will always remember the best of times with her. The way her little tooth would get stuck in her lip, the way her hip swayed when she walked into a room walking on her tiny little nails that click clacked. I will miss her laying on my belly bonding with Lennox as she growled to keep everyone away from me. I will miss her morning snuggles and dressing her up in silly costumes even though she probably hated them. I will miss everything about her, and I will miss the little part of me that left with her. I will never love another dog like her again. She was my calm before the storm, like any Sunday to a Monday. She was the best of my week and the best of my days for the longest time. I don’t know when and where I will spread her ashes, but I know that no matter what, I am a different and better person because she came to rescue me when she did.

I’ll love you forever my brown eyed girl, my Sunday.