I was sitting in the hospital a few nights ago when I decided to put on Pandora. As I was listening, I heard an interview with Ryan Tedder from OneRepublic, he went on to talk about their first popular song, Apologize, the one they did with Timbo and the song after that. The one that kept them from being a one hit wonder. He said Stop and Stare is basically about a person looking at the town/life they are in like there is nothing left to give it. I felt that, perhaps it is because I have an affinity for the band. But despite that, the words ring very true to me. I am not someone that is typically dissatisfied with life, I can find the good in anything, but monotony and complacency is something I despise. Lately I feel like I am moving but I go nowhere. I was sitting in the hospital room staring at four walls, alone. I do admit that I enjoy the company of silence at times, but this time the silence was deafening. If this hospital stay doesn’t get me off my ass, I don’t know what will.

I am working on getting back motivation and because I know what it was like to be the healthiest version of me, how hard it was to get there, the prospect of doing that all over again is terrifying. BUT I miss the confidence and energy I had about me. I look at myself sometimes and I don’t like the impression this body gives. I look lazy, and I’m far from it. I usually give no fucks about what people think of me, but when that perception has become my own reality, it is kind of hard to ignore. There are many things I love about myself, none of which have anything to do with my appearance. I do not feel comfortable in my own skin, I haven’t for a while now. I feel like that is the one facet in my life I’ve lost control of. Although there appear to be rational or more logical reasons surrounding this, there are times I am sure I do not have the relationship I want in the way I want because of what I look like. I feel like the old me is the person someone would drop everything for, but not for this version of me now. . .you don’t leave everything for this. I’m just Jo, far from perfect. I hate that I diminish myself so much but sitting with myself in those four walls was like barely surviving an internal bout with my own damn left hook, I lack the confidence I once had and it’s no one’s fault but my own. I don’t like the person I see every day in the mirror. I truly don’t feel like myself looking the way that I do with all this weight on me.

For the past few weeks even months my body has been going through a lot, my fibromyalgia has gotten worse. Some days I can’t sit still for a few minutes before my body starts to hurt again. When I was healthy, and working out consistently, my health was incredible. My circumstances have changed, things are different now. I have an adult, my kid isn’t a baby anymore. Jonathan cooks a lot of his meals, washes his own clothes, checks in to tell me he is safe when he goes out and needs me zero hours of the day. I don’t have to take him to school and practices and everywhere under the sun, I am busy in different ways but not in any way that prevents me from prioritizing myself. I have more than 50% of my time to myself now. I honestly no longer have an excuse.

while I was sitting in the hospital, I thought I had truly fucked up. One of my test results came back positive enough to have me admitted. Yes, I went in with chest pain but up until that point I thought maybe I was having a panic attack. The possibility of facing permanent consequences of my irresponsibility had been looming over me. I have been complacent in the way that I became that person that did everything for her child and others yet left herself behind. Twenty-four hours in the day and the only hours I have been giving myself is sleep. I blame it on my surroundings and the fact that I am just not happy here. I see the same people day in and day out okay with being stagnant and due to a lack of effort, so have I. I see my son making plans and preparing for his future with excitement and I envy him in a good way. He motivates me to find that happiness and feeling of looking forward to what I have in store for myself. I can remember the last time I really applied myself and busted my ass to get where I wanted to be, I want to be there again.

After over 24 hours of tests and tension, I went home with a clean bill of health. I am slightly anemic, which isn’t much of a shock to me. I eat more ice than a pregnant woman and am always the coldest person in a room. Anemia (a slight case of it), isn’t the end of the world compared to what I could have had. My entire family suffers from different ailments, from diabetes to thyroid issues. All of which I have masterfully evaded despite my irresponsibility in self-care. Yes, I am asthmatic and have Fibromyalgia, but both were completely controlled when I was in shape. I ran without an inhaler and now I have been dependent on it as of recently a few times a month.

When I lost all the weight the first time, I had just gone through some big life chances. I became a single parent and had shared custody with Jonathan’s dad (50/50), one week on, one week off and we discussed holidays. It was hard at first, I missed my son and didn’t know what to do with all the time I suddenly had in my hands. Things eventually got better, and I found ways to keep myself busy the weeks I didn’t have Jon. I would give myself 100% of the time of day. I became addicted to working out. I did my bootcamp 3-5 times a week, I ate healthy, I studied and wrote on a regular basis. I was in the best shape of my life. Finally, on the weeks I did have him, I would focus on him and took care of my needs in between, I plugged in the writing when he was sleeping and still worked out, cooked two meals – because at that time, you could not catch Jonathan eating healthy. That life seemed at first impossible, then it became my norm. I did that for about 3 full years. But eventually I had him full time, middle school flew by and high school was around the corner. That change impacted me in many ways.

I’m thankful that I have been a present parent, the football mom and wrestling meet mom, I didn’t miss a single thing, but I didn’t show up for myself, I no longer had the free time to spare and energy. . .well that is what I told myself. The truth is I know I could have kept that up if I had not lost my motivation.

This past weekend was a huge wakeup call, as I sat waiting for cardiac results, I was already devising a plan to fix it and try to undo the damage I had done. Knowing there is nothing critically wrong with me, isn’t a free pass to keep the same energy. I have somehow managed to be healthy despite my weight, it’s been easy to fall into that trap. Although I was able to go home without complication, I will never forget the fear I had as I waited for my results. I don’t want to put myself through that ever again. After taking the time to fully take a look at myself, I know my body deserves better.

I haven’t been this exhausted since. . .fuck, I have never been this tired. I want to get to the part where I am catching my breath again but you can’t really read ahead in life. There is no back of the book blurb to tell you how things will turn out. All I know is I am emotionally and physically bankrupt with very little left to give.

I’m trying to find a work life balance with my day job to finish my days early or at least on time so that I can figure things out in the evening. I didn’t want to commit to a 2nd job completely because, I can’t see myself doing this forever. So instead I decided to start driving for Uber, I already spend a great deal of time on the road driving to clear my mind. My brother suggested doing Uber when I was trying to find a way to pay for the deductible for Jonathan’s surgery. Which up until the beginning of last month we thought was completely covered.

I think I’ve been living on about 5 hours of sleep a night. I work my day job, rest at home for an hour, eat dinner and then leave my house. Never something I thought I’d do but as a parent you do what you have to do. I try not to do it too late because Jonathan begins to worry when I’m out there at night. I also know in great part he feels guilty because I’m out there trying to save for his surgery. So I tiptoe around that, he thinks he is the man of the house at times and although I like the mindset he is forming, it is still my responsibility to pull through for him no matter what. I see him in pain and pushing through and it makes me feel sad that he goes out of his way to act okay because he doesn’t want to financially burden me. I could keep things up and save without Ubering but it would take maybe two/three months to save up what discretionary income I have. But the time it would take to cover the out of pockets is not worth the wait at the expense of him further injuring himself and going on in pain for another few months. I also want him to be able to start school as planned. For now I am trying to save enough to get his surgery back on the schedule. It sucks, I have pride, but I have to bite the bullet.

When I discussed things with his dad he said he doesn’t have the money and for some reason feels like Jon can push through. I for one don’t have the patience to deal with him anymore when it comes to Jon. I try to understand that he has 4 other children and try not to dabble in how he handles his finances, but it’s hard to avoid the anger when you have no support for a kid you didn’t create alone. I have people, my, “let me know if you need anything people,” but sitting around talking shit about what he should do and what I should do because of his lack of help is a waste of my time. Complaining and venting to them won’t get this shit paid. I know that I put myself at a disadvantage when I refuse to ask for help but I’m so accustomed to doing everything on my own for Jonathan and I, that anything outside of that feels strange. I don’t fully mean financially either, emotionally I take the hit on everything just to avoid unnecessary questions. I just don’t know how to ask for help, it’s part pride and part knowing I’m his mother so he is my responsibility. If I had saved money, if I were better prepared for emergencies perhaps I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

I plan on doing this for a few more weeks, maybe two months at the most, just to pay for the deductible so that we can finally reschedule this and also prepare for whatever physical therapy costs I may incur for Jonathan post surgery. It’s doable, I’m just having a hard time pacing myself. I’m tired, grouchy, I miss my bright eyes immensely. I am completely maxed out and frustrated with myself. In between the working, mom responsibilities, driving, and writing for the contest, I have little to no time to spare. I know I won’t rest until Jon has had his surgery so I have to figure out some sort of balance because I can tell I am taking things out on everyone and am short on patience these days.

Last week I took an Uber from my hotel to the airport. It wasn’t the happiest ride I would say. I was leaving my heart in California and not in the best conditions. But the Uber driver and I had a conversation we both needed. You know one of those right place right time conversations. I for the distraction and him, I guess to realize he isn’t where he wants to be but he can eventually get there.

Clyde was let go from his job a couple of months ago and he decided to go backpacking with his severance. Which I found fascinating. There are so many things I would have done if I didn’t have Jon so young, backpacking is one of them. A couple years ago I even wanted to join the Peace Corps once Jon was off to college.

Clyde went to South America and was telling me that people over there are so passé about work. If they don’t like their jobs they quit, whereas us Americans are so attached to our jobs we can’t imagine a life without them. He wasn’t wrong. I was sitting right next to my backpack that contained my work computer and the things I thought couldn’t wait for me until I got home. Although I’m not as attached to jobs as I used to be. I’m very career and goal oriented but after losing my job and being unemployed for a year, I realized a job doesn’t define who we are. I told Clyde about the year I took off after my lay-off. I had been in social work for over a decade and suddenly I found myself in HR as a contractual casualty. That is the year I studied abroad in Belize. After working from 14 through 27 without much of a break, it was time. Of course panic set in but in that year I learned lessons I would not have otherwise learned if it weren’t for unemployment. I began to appreciate things differently.

When you lose a job that feels like your identity, you feel sort of distraught. I spent years honing my craft and being a member of the community. I envisioned myself retiring in social work. But. . .admittedly I was relieved the moment I was let go. Social work was taxing, it took over 12 hour days away from my son. I could barely sleep trying to help families keep roofs over their heads, delivering groceries in the evenings, cribs for babies. I loved it but I was tired. After the initial shock I accepted that I was unemployed and I made some adjustments at home. Finally I was able to see my son get off the bus, I was one of those moms that could cook a full meal without rushing to finish case notes. I played games with Jon, I worked on my degree full time and I studied abroad. There were some major sacrifices in that year but when you live off of the bare minimum you realize how much “stuff,” you don’t need. I kept my apartment and my car, paid my bills with scholarships and grants and still managed to live a complete and happy life. I would do that year all over again.

Clyde told me he felt like he was failing because he’d get interviews but never the call backs. So when he gets down he reads a letter he wrote to himself in the peak of his happiness when he was backpacking. The note to self reminds him of where he was and helps pull him out of depression. I thought that was dope, I do things like that all the time. Although they aren’t notes to self but these blogs serve as a time capsule of where I am in certain points in my life. We can go from the happiest high to the lowest low in a matter of hours. So when I’m not feeling my best or if I want to remember a great time, I revisit my blogs for the memory. Writing makes me feel a sense of release and tension, rereading causes a sense of relief I suppose.

While I was sitting in the backseat I started to reminisce about Belize. As a class we agreed to come back the next year, it has now been 7 years and I haven’t been back once. I told Clyde that and he said, well it’s because traveling is so expensive. I agreed but told him, I think we owe it yourselves to travel and explore. Think about when you get a speeding ticket, it’s an obligation and no matter what you find the money and pay. Suddenly the money for that exists but the money for a weekend getaway seems so far away. We pay so much for obligation and so freely that we neglect ourself. He started laughing and said he needed to hear that. It makes sense. . .it’s also advise I need to take for myself.

For years I have wanted to see the northern lights but never get off my ass to go. I’m not saying I am going to have a sudden eat, pray, love Julia Roberts year and go out and do everything I’ve always wanted, but I owe it to myself to do things for me more often than I do.

Before writing this I went back and reread my post from Belize, it was nice to read and remember that person, a person that saw the world like this:

“There is a unique kind of silence in the Cahoon Trail that gives center stage to the insects and birds to create a symphony of noises. Back at home we tend to live on wants, in sitting here in this unfamiliar place, where the natural way of living is giving back, I can see the beauty in it all. This place is home to a symposium of creatures. Tree’s enveloped by thorns, vines and moss, while leaves of all shapes and sizes sprout from the ground and fan the sky. Musky water and a kaleidoscope of greens decorate this environment of natural unaltered beauty.”

Holy shit I was a cheese ball, but I miss that nerd that saw the positivity and beauty in everything.