Is it like an Earthquake?

It’s been such a long time since I felt a heartbeat, not just any, but my heartbeat…

I was sitting, thinking, sulking, feeling in my feelings for the first time in a long time. I forgot what it was like to be weak. I forgot what it’s like to plead, “help me!” When you’ve come across as invincible and your walls make you mysterious instead of approachable, no one comes to aid.

I let out a cry, perhaps one I wasn’t quite ready to admit I needed to let out but nonetheless it wasn’t a far cry from my truth. I’m in need of love but at the very least a hug from someone who means something to me. I don’t want a chipper you can get through this.

I am one of the strongest people I know but I have found in the past few weeks that the only one who can break me has come so close to doing so…it scared me.

See, my son, the person I would do anything in this world for is breaking down. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but he can’t. He longs for the days that everything was alright, when his cousins didn’t tease him, when he spent equal time with both parents. He wishes and hopes that tomorrow will not be another day where he faces another eye roll or mockery from those that once proved to be close to him.

I don’t have all the right answers for a mind that is still maturing. He doesn’t fully grasp the concept that they (all the people who don’t mean him well) don’t matter!

He’s drowning in less than a cup of water and that is what has been tearing me down. No matter what I say or do, I haven’t been able to help him, I haven’t put his mind fully at ease. I find that the times he is most happy is when it’s just me and him. In our world he isn’t weird or strange, he’s not bigger or taller, his voice isn’t too soft….he is perfect. He has an amazing heart, a beautiful soul and I don’t want people to continue to rip him apart.

I was sitting organizing a few things as he played minecraft in the background and I found a baby heart monitor, it’s like a Walkman to hear a heart beat. I turned it on and put on the headphones and there it was….the symphony of my body, one beat at a time. I closed my eyes and inhaled as I listened to myself go. I asked Jon to listen and he said, “wow it’s like an earthquake!”

Damn right! I’m alive and kicking, I’m not defeated, I’m a mother who still has tons of work to do. I wear some tough armor to protect myself and while my son still has some learning to do before he is fully aware and ready to take on the world alone, I will be here. He’s my greatest strength and though I’m weak for no one but him, I need to continue to show him how much of a natural disaster I can be if anyone continues to stand in his way.